What I'm Learning As A Bisexual Male Feminist Christian
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

What I'm Learning As A Bisexual Male Feminist Christian

My identities might seem to contradict themselves, but on the contrary, they're quite complimentary.

37
What I'm Learning As A Bisexual Male Feminist Christian
Christopher Barker

The earliest identity that I was assigned was as a man. I was born with a penis, so from before I even came out of the womb, my family was referring to me as a little boy. Later in life, because I was sensitive, liked to write poetry, and talked with a high pitch voice, others made fun of me; they called me a girl (like it was an insult) and even went as far as to say that I was gay.

All of the bullying made me question the validity of my identity, but luckily I had a mother who reassured me that being in touch with my emotions as a man was a rare quality, but valuable nonetheless. However, this would not be the last time that I would try to reevaluate my identity because of somebody else’s disbelief.

Many times people bullied me because of my effeminate qualities, and many times I wondered if I should change myself because I didn’t live up to their standards for people with penises. When I began discovering transgenderism and non-cis gender identities, I even wondered if I should change my pronouns (or possibly even my body). It didn't help that everybody's assumptions about my sexuality were true-- well, halfway true. I began realizing that I liked men just as much as I liked women.

By the time I got to high school, I was hiding my newfound sexual attraction to men from everybody else. I had decided that I liked being a man, but I was fearful that coming out of the closet would undermine my gender identity too, because people often believe that one (gender or sexuality) has to influence the other; that’s why the stereotypes of flamboyant homosexual or butch lesbian exists. Since I still found myself attracted to women, I thought that’d I be able to ignore the other side of my sexual identity forever, and thus also secure my identity as a male.

It turned out that I could only pretend I wasn't bisexual to others, but pretending to myself was impossible. I had to tell someone. During my Sophomore year of high school, I tried to come out to somebody as bisexual, but she told me that it was impossible for a man to be attracted to men and women. She even cited some articles that backed up her argument. She told me that bisexual men did not exist. I researched it myself, and found that there was a lot of controversy surrounding the validity of bisexuality for any gender, so I decided to keep quiet and not reveal it to anyone else.

I also hid my sexuality because I’d recently been baptized as a Christian. What really drew me towards Christianity, was the belief that there was a God who loved everyone unconditionally. Unfortunately, the church that I attended also taught it’s congregation that any sexuality that deviated from heterosexuality was a sin. My brain easily accepted this as the truth because I’d heard it in movies, books, and television many times before.

I locked myself in the closet because I wanted my masculinity and myself to be accepted by my peers, by my church members, and ultimately, by God himself.

As I graduated from high school, I was outwardly confident in my identity as a straight Christian male, but internally, my secret sexuality came into conflict with those identities. Then, I got to college and discovered feminism. Students from my high school had tossed that word around before, yet I had tuned it out. I’m not entirely sure why-- maybe it’s because there’s a stigma surrounding that word, about how only insane, men-hating women call themselves feminists. College erased that stigma, and I transformed into a passionate feminist who believes in human equality on all levels possible.

Feminism also forced me to question the world and my church’s view on women-- even gender identity as a whole. It then did the same to my accepted beliefs about sexuality which lead to me question my own repressed sexuality once more. I decided that I was going to come out as bisexual, and when that happened, I stopped calling myself a Christian, because one of my religious relatives convinced me that God wanted to let me know that I would go to hell if I considered having sex with a man.

I didn’t know what to believe about God anymore, because I still wanted Jesus’ unconditional love and redemption, but I also loved feminism’s emphasis on equality for people no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, demographic, etc.

I initially decided that a loving God would not allow stigmatization of minorities (which is what a lot of Christians and people seem to participate in by calling homosexuality a sin, and by not allowing women to become ordained), but then I took an eye opening religion course at Gonzaga University which really emphasized Jesus’ sacrifice as an unconditional act of love that freed us from the old law-- including the laws that condemned women for being women, and gays for being gays.

For the first time ever, it was possible that the all-loving God of the universe could be a feminist himself, and that perhaps he would love me, even if I was a bisexual male feminist. (I still decided to identify as a man since being a man did not mean that I had to be stoic or ruthless or any different than some of my female friends. In fact, I liked that my personality challenged the social standard of masculinity).

This 20 year struggle really illustrated for me that nobody can decide who the hell you’re going to be except for yourself, and that it’s necessary to question everything that you’re told. I still question the validity of my sexuality, and my gender, and my social stances, and my religion, but when anybody else tells me that I don’t exist, I reflect internally, about a God that I believe in who loves me no matter who I am, and ultimately I realize, that it’s my duty to love everyone else the same-- whether they know who they are or don’t know who I am.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

Planning Another Christmas Party

Don't just plan another plain party but get creative to have everyone wanting to come back next year!

150
Getty Famous

You know it's Christmas when the radio stations change to all of your favorite holiday tunes, the air is still, and stores have the best sales. With all my favorite things from Christmas happening my least favorite probably has to be when I have to go to another same old boring Christmas party that I get invited to every year. Here are some Christmas party ideas so that you won't have another sad Christmas party.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

High School Soccer is Wildly Important

For Young Players Who Want to Succeed at The Next Level

2096
High School Soccer is Wildly Important

Whose choice is it? The parent? The player? There are a number of reasons that a kid may sit out of high school soccer, and to be completely honest; It is a huge mistake. High school soccer is the final piece in the puzzle that takes a player from above average or elite, to college ready by the end of their senior year. Every year thousands of talented athletes don't play for their high schools. Why though?

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

8 Things That Should Be On Everyone's Holiday To-Do List

December is around the corner, are you ready?

4624
8 Things That Should Be On Everyone's Holiday To-Do List
Unsplash.com

As they tend to say, its the most wonderful time of the year! People have begun to compile their Christmas to-do lists in anticipation for the season of sugarplums and gingerbread.

The history of the Christmas to-do lists goes back hundreds of years, almost as old as the holiday itself, however, people tend to fall out of this habit as they get older. This is unfortunate, as the theme of Christmas tradition can add bundles of the spirit of joy to your families.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Fall Weather Must-Haves

Put away the swim suits and your favorite high-waisted shorts!

6414

The transitional months of fall can cause some fashion headaches as you try to figure out what clothing to keep in your closet. With limited amount of college living space and the ever-unpredictable Nebraska weather, sometimes it’s difficult to know what should be taking up that precious closet space as you transition into winter. As you pack away those tanks and shorts for the chilly months ahead, get your closet ready with a few Fall must-haves. 

Keep Reading... Show less
Content Inspiration

Top 3 Response Articles of This Week

Take a look at the articles driving big conversations on Odyssey.

6442
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/video/we-are-rollins-odyssey
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/video/we-are-rollins-odyssey

At Odyssey, we're on a mission to encourage constructive discourse on the Internet. That's why we created the response button you can find at the bottom of every article.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments