I, Gardner Ted Stevenett, will begin with a confession: As a young man, I never did earn the Eagle Scout Badge. In fact, I never made it beyond the Wolf Badge, which, if I remember correctly, was the 2nd easiest badge in the whole of Cub and Boy Scout life. I recall with complete clarity, after days and days, finally completing that Wolf Badge, all forty-six requirements. In the moment that followed, I took a big satisfied breath, only to then flip to the next page in the guide book to see that the Bear Badge had seventy-freaking-two requirements! And with that, my nine-year-old self glared furiously at the walls of the room, said something along the lines of "OK, screw this," and threw in that particular towel (at the same time knuckle-balling away my practically brand new Cub Scout Guide Book) right then and there.

I mention this anecdote because, truthfully, the only other time in my life where I felt the special brand of horror that I did with the Bear Badge was just this past year: when I found myself standing before the mighty mountain of the grad school application process.

But now, finally, by the grace of all the grace everywhere, that whole arduous series of tasks is over, and I am writing to you from the other side, the lofty summit, the what-have-you.

My chief goal for this article is to provide something that I was just never able to find (damned if I didn't dive headlong into the recesses of Google trying): a comprehensive guide to the process of applying to a graduate program. Now, the programs I personally applied for were English MA's and PhD's, and I will say right now that I know nothing about any other kind. However, I do suspect that there is some considerable overlap in the process. So here I will stick with the "write what you know" school, and I hope it is somewhat beneficial, and maybe a bit entertaining, for any recent BA degree holders needing something decidedly non-private sector to occupy the next two to six years of their lives.

Part One: What is it that you want?

The first place to start, for anyone with the hope of attending an English graduate program, is to put yourself in one of two camps: academic writing or creative writing. This is not to say you can't do both (I chose academic writing, and look how creative I can be!), but that most programs will emphasize one greatly over the other. An MFA program is the one for creative writers, whereas an MA in English is for those more into scholarly and sweater vesty pursuits.

From most of what I've read, MFA (creative writing) programs are intensely competitive, even the smaller ones or the ones that don't offer much funding. A lot of people who go into these programs already have had some things published in lit journals. If the MFA is the path you seek, as a kind of litmus test, you may want to submit a whole bunch of things to journals and see what happens before applying (this is what I would do; though, admittedly, I know nothing about applying to MFA's beyond what I've just written). Your odds of acceptance would likely skyrocket if you get something in a good journal first: the technical term for this would be street cred.

(One potential negative of an MFA is that such programs only officially qualify you to teach creative writing at the college level. If you wanted to teach other English and Lit courses, you'd need an MA in English for the junior college level, or a PhD for the university level.)

If it is the MA or PhD in English you are after, if you've resigned yourself to the potential cheery fates of Michael Stipe's "Sad Professor" or John Williams' "Stoner," then please read on.

Part Two: The Checklist

Most program applications (and this goes for each of the eight schools I applied to) require that you, the applicant, submit the following items:

-Official Undergraduate Transcripts

-3 letters of recommendation

-GRE test scores

-A 10 to 15+ page writing sample (double-spaced)

-A 3 to 4 page Statement of Purpose / Personal Statement (double-spaced)

The most important of these--according to those who I know in the know--are the Letters of Recommendation, Statement of Purpose, and Writing Sample; but I'm going to write a little bit about each of the things:

OFFICIAL UNDERGRADUATE TRANSCRIPTS: This is the easy part, though it can take a while if you are applying to a bunch of schools. The thing to do here is do it all in one orchestrated marathon while watching "That 70s Show" on Netflix. For you this may not be such a royal pain in the hiney--my problem is that I bounced around four separate undergraduate schools, and so I needed to order a veritable tower of transcripts, which was expensive and time-consuming. Note: Some programs ask that you don't send transcripts until you have completed the rest of the application; they like to have your file already started so they know where the transcripts need to go.

LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION: These are a big, big deal. You want letters from professors you have spent a lot of time with and who you are pretty damn sure will act as your own personal cheerleaders in their letters. Go for letters from professors with whom you have worked closely on a professional level, like as a TA or Research Assistant, or whatever. And If you had a professor help you with a big, capstone essay over a long period of time, this would also be great. Any professor who has a good idea of who you are as a person and student, and likes the idea, would be a good choice. Also, make sure to give each letter writer a brief summary of each program (their reputation, reputable alumni, faculty specialties) to which you are applying, and plenty of time, say 2-3 months, before the deadline.

I know that the programs I applied for highly advised that my letters be from academics--however, I suspect there may be some wiggle room for one of the letters if you've got a great and interesting letter writer who knows you really well and has upstanding and greatly interesting things to say about you. Keep in mind that there is a specific purpose that letters of recommendation serve: the faculty of a graduate program is acutely aware they could be spending 2+ years with you, and it's in their utmost interest that you don't suck.

GRE SCORE: Let me tell you a little secret about the GRE--any given GRE you take has such a large margin of error, that you would have to score either phenomenally high or dismally low for it to say something at all pinpointing about your true abilities. And the program directors I've talked to all know this. That said, however, a good score will do what a good score will do: namely, further separate you from the competition--which is the whole point, right?

The Verbal section of the test is what the program will really care about; though some programs say they will take the Quantitative and Analytic Writing scores "into account." It is my feeling that the Verbal section of the GRE is made for close readers. Most of the questions, excluding the vocabulary areas, seemed to me to involve trying to sneak in little crucial details under the radar of the test taker.

I highly recommend--nay! I insist--that you take a whole bunch of practice tests in the weeks leading up to the real thing (the official GRE guidebooks, with practice tests included, are actually pretty affordable), if only to familiarize yourself with the question format and style, as well as the annoying tricks they often play on the unsuspecting test-taker. I spent about a month taking practice tests and I had good, measurable success upon taking the actual test.

Also the practice tests will surely help with the Quantitative section. My goal here pretty much was just not to completely embarrass myself. I scored right around the 50th percentile, which I was only a little unhappy about... Fortunately, the 50th percentile is about smack in the middle of the range suggested by the MA and Ph.D. programs I applied to.

Don't fret too much about the Analytic writing section if you are applying to MA English programs. This is my own personal experience because I pretty much tanked it (my writing takes a whole lot of drafts to be even remotely comprehensible--succeeding w/ a timed essay is well beyond the range of my skillset). If the graduate program wants a glimpse of your writerly chops, which they will, they will surely get all they need in the shape of your writing sample.

WRITING SAMPLE: I'd say this is the most important thing in the application. I spent the most time on this, by far. I took my favorite essay from my senior year (10-pages initially) and expanded it to 16 pages. I greatly reinvigorated the research (I must have had 3 Works Cited pages). I examined the essay tirelessly--looking for typos, locking in the MLA formatting, massaging the topic sentences, and honing the thesis into a hard, indestructible argumentative diamond.

My ultimate objective here was to make myself seem way, way smarter than I actually am. I perused a number of thesauruses, the holy OED, and analyzed and did all I could to replicate the cadences and lofty style of high-grade academic articles that I knew to be the straight-up stuff.

I don't think I have much else to say about this. Other than, it will be of considerable help to find someone with whom you can really pour over this thing. I was fortunate enough to have a former professor give my paper the kind of attention that surely must have strained every other relationship in his life.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE: This is the time to tell your story. Who are you? Where did you come from? What makes you so freakin' special? Spend about a page on this part, make sure it's different from anything you think all the other applicants might be writing, and then move on to the other things (mentioned below).

I had a greatly enlightening conversation with a graduate program director who laid out the 3-part anatomy of a winning SoP: (1) Who are you, exactly? (2) What are you interested in studying? and 3) What are your academic goals?

This program director informed me that MA application SoP's tend to give a little more weight to the first part, whereas Ph.D. application SoP's will dive pretty quickly into the nitty-gritty of the applicant's very specific scholarly ambitions.

The key with the two latter parts of the SoP is to be as specific as possible, especially so with Ph.D. applications. The program director wants to know that you've given a whole lot of thought to the questions above, and specificity is the tool at your disposal to prove it.

Lastly, and this may go without saying, you will actually need to write separate and distinct SoP's for each program you are applying to. You ought to mention their faculty members with whom you aspire to work. Talk a little bit about an article of theirs that blew your little undergrad mind. This is how you can show the program that you've done your homework, that you know what they are and what they do.

***Okay, so, due to the pretty ridiculous length of this article, I've decided to give us all a much needed breather and cut it off here. I realize it may be abrupt. My apologies--it is late and I'm tired. But now, let me humbly invite you to stay tuned for the upcoming and final and I-promise-much-shorter installment of this Graduate Application Survival Guide: "Part Three: Your Ace in the Hole"!!!***