Leslie Knope:

“We have to remember what’s important in life … friends, waffles and work. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn’t matter, but work has to come third.” 

“One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.”

“Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don’t know, a pair of cargo pants? What about a sexy hat?” 

“I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.” 

“We’re a nation of dreamers and it is my dream to build a park that I one day visit with my White House staff on my birthday. And they say, ‘President Knope, this park is awesome. Now we understand why you are the first female President of the United States.” 

Ron Swanson:

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish … and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” 

“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was: give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” 

“When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” 

“There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.”

“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” 

Andy Dwyer:

“I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it well.” 

“Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.” 

“Anything is a toy if you play with it.” 

“Unless he’s in trouble, there’s only one man for the job. Bert Macklin, FBI.” 

“When they say 2% milk, I don’t know what the other 98% is.”

Tom Haverford:

“Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.” 

“I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.” 

“I finally watched Harry Potter … a tad unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?” 

“One of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”

“'Zerts' are what I call desserts, 'tray-trays' are what I call entrees, sandwiches are 'sammies', 'sandoozles' or 'Adam Sandlers', air conditioners are cool 'blasterz' with a 'z' ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies', I call noodles 'long-a** rice', fried chicken is 'fry fry chicky-chick', chicken parmesan is 'chicky-chicky parm parm', chicken cacciatore is 'chicky-catch', I call eggs 'pre-birds' or 'future birds', root beer is 'super water', tortillas are 'bean blankets', and I call forks ... 'food rakes'."

April Ludgate:

“We have a new policy, parks can only be reserved for witch covens and slip ‘n slide competitions. Which one are you?”

“I think you should lose the first line and the last line and all the other lines. Instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.” 

“I think I may have found a project I’d actually enjoy doing, helping these cats and dogs. They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.” 

“Beauty pageants are idiotic. But I found out that the winner of Miss Pawnee pageant gets $600. I can be idiotic for $600.”

“Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go.”