The Best Of Ari Gold Every D*ckhead Can Appreciate
Start writing a post
Entertainment

The Best Of Ari Gold Every True D*ckhead Can Appreciate

WARNING: Sincere apologies in advance to those Ari would make cry IRL.

1043
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9k8p4z/jeremy-pivens-stand-up-made-me-quit-my-comedy-job
HBO

"Entourage" chronicles the ups and downs of Hollywood's A-List rising star, Vincent Chase, along with his childhood best friends as they leave Queens to take on Los Angeles to make something of their (hopeful) dawning careers. With the newly abused lifestyle of the rich and the famous, the New Yorkers owe it all to Chase's agent, Ari Gold— whom without a doubt takes the cake on being the best character throughout the duration of the series.

Ari Gold is the definition of a stud. His horrifying foul language is something that can only be appreciated by those with extremely thick skin and a gold-mine sense of humor. His offensive and undiplomatic persona essentially ironically was the glue behind the show's success year after year. Jeremy Piven, who played Ari Gold, even won two Primetime Emmy Awards for his legendary performance on the series.

There's absolutely no way to pinpoint each one of Ari's most stellar antics but here's 40 of his most glorious moments on "Entourage" every true d*ckhead can appreciate:

1. "I came, I saw, I conquered. I'm like f*cking Caesar."

2. “Call me Helen Keller, because I’m a f*cking miracle worker!”

3. "Nobody’s happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I’m miserable. That’s why I’m rich."

4. "The anger meds didn't make me calm, they just made me not able to c*m, which just made me angry and just made my wife sore."

5. "There's no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading 'f*cked.'" 

6. "REALLY????"

7. "I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent, and I will not stop until I destroy you."

8. "The land down under, we're gonna get drunk with Russel Crowe and head-butt some God damn kangaroos." 

9. "Lloyd, pile everything you see into a box. Everything. You see a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a God damn spiked paddle don't think, just pack that b*tch. Chop suey!"

10. "Let's hug it out, b*tch." 

11. "When my father gave away my car, I was forced to lose my virginity on the back of a moped."

12. "SHUT. THE. F*CK. UP. LLOYD."

13. "Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mail room, offered to blow me. True story."

14. "We might be whores at my agency but we ain't pimps." 

15. "You will always be the gay son I never wanted, Lloyd."

16. "We're going to hell, so bring your sunblock."

17. "I'm sorry, I’d love to congratulate you all personally but unfortunately Barbara’s c*ck is all I can handle." 

18. "I gotta know what you think so I can tell you what I want you to think."

19. "You will come back stronger then ever. Like Lance Armstrong, but with two balls." 

20. "I'm not threatening your jobs, I'm threatening your lives." 

21. "I will deport you naked to the Taliban!"

22. “You know that your man has broken out of the Oompa-Loompa factory and is up to no good?”

23. “A shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold.”

24. "Incase your ears are f*cked, GET. THE. F*CK. OUT!"

25. "Lloyd, bust out your pink rolodex. Call every queer assistant you know and tell them to open their mouths like J.T.'s gonna drop a load in it. I want you hype this b*tch!"

26. "Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a d*ck. That’s what actors do. They pretend."

27. "Are you a communist? Or a socialist? Or didn’t they tell you the difference at Pepperoni U?"

28. "I’ll tell you what, Domino’s is hiring. Why don’t you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that's comedy."

29. "You’re Tom? Lloyd’s Tom? I don’t get it. You’re a good looking guy, you could get girls."

30. "Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident."

31. "He’s a businessman, Eric. Not your prom date who still has a grudge on you because you didn’t f*ck her right."

32. "I love a liar, but I hate a cheater."

33. "Silence, Lloyd. It's golden."

34. "But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership, and you want nine weeks a year in a Tuscan Villa, then I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in, at noon, on a mother f*cking Wednesday."

35. "To be successful, you need friends. To be very successful, you need enemies."

36. "Variety is like a high school paper. They pay their writers 28 grand a year to find out something to write about the popular kids.”

37. "I don’t know what he is, Vince. He could be Mossad, he could be Hezbollah, neither would suprise me."

38. "Ernesto! How many f*cking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas, for the past decade! Half of Mexico is eating on my chip that I’ve given you. Now bring my mother f*cking car now! Por favor!"

39. "It’s called aging, Terrence. Not everyone can stay young by sucking the blood of their employees."​

40. "We have enough money for five lifetimes, all right? I'm not saying it's gonna be forever but Sarah is going to college and this will be great for Jonah. But more importantly, it will be great for us, ok? And that's all that matters to me. I would marry you a thousand times over. You are the love of my life. I wouldn't know what I'd do with myself without you."

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

Where To Find The Best Coffee Drinks In America, According To A Survey

Here's the coffee shop where you should get your morning brew.

321144

Coffee, for billions of people, is one of the only things that can get us out of bed (after hitting snooze a time or two), especially in 2020. Because, if we're being honest, is there anything that beats a quality cup of coffee on those mornings when all we wanted to do is roll over and go back to sleep? The answer is no. And if you're headed to a coffee shop to pick up your caffeinated beverage, you don't want to sleep on the best coffee drinks in America.

According to LiveShopper Sassie's Coffee Project survey, when it comes to chain coffee shops, there are definitely preferred spots you'll want to hit up for your go-to order — whether you order the classic, frozen, or flavored coffee, an espresso, tea, or other. To figure out the hot spots, 1,000 coffee drinkers across the United States took to LiveShopper's mobile app, PrestoShopper, to answer various questions about their coffee drinking habits and preferences. In return, these survey respondents got money back for their coffee — something any user who downloads the app can do as well (yes, even you).

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

The Best Bagel Recipes For Every Personality Type, In Case You Need Another Excuse To Eat Carbs

I'll approve of pasta for breakfast any day, but this is more socially acceptable.

52648
NBC

I've had times in my life at which I've told myself I need to cut out carbs. Those moments last about a minute or two before I start daydreaming about rice and pasta.

Bagels hold a special place in my heart — for many of my college friends and me, a bagel sandwich was the go-to breakfast after a long night of drinking. Years later, I still love to indulge in the occasional carb-filled breakfast. As much as I love putting in an UberEats order from bed, nothing beats the feeling of pulling some fresh-baked bread or pastries out of the oven.

Keep Reading... Show less
Content Inspiration

Survey: Which Issues Are The Most Important To You In The 2020 Election

If you're a first-time voter or voting by mail for the first time, we want to hear your story.

112279

The general election on Tuesday, November 3, 2020, will decide not only the next president of the United States but also which political party controls the House of Representatives and the Senate. Young and first-time voters will play a crucial part in determining the result.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tips

Articles To Write If You're All About Saving More Money, And Waking Up A Little Bit Earlier

Get your day started right — and keep that budget tight.

231833

For all the young professionals, parents, and students out there who've been working, learning, or even teaching remote — 2020 has likely been the longest year of your life. If you didn't know (sorry), we've been locked down for over 200 days now, and chances are, you are ready for it to be OVER.

Keep Reading... Show less

Scrolling through Instagram can get stale after a while, especially if you're constantly refreshing in the hopes of finding something new and exciting. Should you be looking to add some inspiration to your timeline in the form of self-love tips, relationship advice, or love secrets, here are 11 relationship coaches you'll LOVE following.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

How Much Of A Coffee Snob You Are, Based On Where You Live

Your state may determine how picky you are about your coffee.

138927

When it comes to coffee, everyone has different criteria for what goes into their "perfect cup." Some caffeine lovers, though, are extra particular when it comes to their beloved beverage. One survey found that the state you're from (or the one you live in now) may play a part in determining how much of a coffee snob you actually are.

LiveShopper Sassie, the company behind this Coffee Project survey, received input from 1,000 coffee drinkers via their mobile app, PrestoShopper, to ask various questions about their coffee drinking habits and preferences. In return, these survey respondents got money back for their coffee — something any user who downloads the app can do as well (yes, even you).

Keep Reading... Show less

If you are a college freshman, or new to college, this is for you. If you are in a new time in life where you don't know where this change is going to take you, where you might not have your community yet, this is for you. Or even if you are stuck in a rut of everyday life where the new normal is quarantine and isolation, this is also for you.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

As Illinois Reaches Its Highest Death Toll Since June, I Urge You To Stay Home And Wear Your Mask

69 COVID-19 deaths were recorded in a twenty-four-hour period, the highest amount since June of this year.

3540
Photo by Noah on Unsplash

As we are approaching colder weather, we are also approaching a spike in COVID-19 cases throughout the state of Illinois. On October 21, 2020, Illinois recorded its largest daily COVID-19 death toll since June of this year. According to the Illinois Department of Public Health, 69 deaths of people who contracted COVID-19 were recorded within a twenty-four-hour period, raising the state's death toll to 9,345 since the start of the pandemic.

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

9 Halloween Role Play Costumes That'll Make Your Partner Want To Jump Your Bones

Whoever thinks dress up is only for Halloween is seriously disturbed.

3576

When "Mean Girls" said "In girl world, Halloween is the one time of the year where you can dress up like a total slut and no one can do or say anything about it," they were damn right. Halloween is the perfect excuse to buy that raunchy costume and show your partner that you're that B. Coming from a very single (yes, very single) 20 something-year-old, I have already got my Halloween costume on lock, and now you will too.

Not only are these 10 Halloween costumes dangerously sexy, but you can wear them in the bedroom whenever you want to give your boo a surprise, yes, year-round. Whoever said you can only dress up on Halloween is seriously disturbed.

Keep Reading... Show less

Ariana Grande released her first single called "positions" since "boyfriend" with Social House and it is a BANGER. This song is absolutely incredible and I am SURE you will agree with me once you listen.

I'm a sucker for a single with a video and that's exactly what we got. Ariana's been pretty quiet during the pandemic, and we all assumed she was working on some new music, and we were right.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Rejection Of Black Lives Matter Mural By Phoenix City Council Doesn’t Stop Gizette Knight

The Phoenix City Council rejected a proposal for a Black Lives Matter Mural in downtown Phoenix. But Gizette Knight says this is not the end.

2112
Photo by Josh Olalde on Unsplash

Community organizer Gizette Knight, CEO of Reality Dreams LLC, is not giving up on the Phoenix City Council's rejection of the Black Lives Matter mural.

Keep Reading... Show less

For me, chai isn't just what I drink — it's a core part of who I am. Sure, I'll switch it up every now and then with a cup of English Breakfast, Earl Grey, rose, or Darjeeling, but I always come back to chai.

Nearly every tea lover has one tea they repeatedly drink and go back to, whether it's a daily morning ritual or an afternoon pick-me-up. One of my good friends has almost eight cups of jasmine tea every single day — she drinks more tea than water, actually.

Keep Reading... Show less

In a world where physical contact is a liability, the ease of slipping into despair and isolation has never been so tempting. Perhaps the greatest kindness we can lend to one another is reaching out to the people that meant something to us before everything changed. Here's why you should message your friend today.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments