The Best Of Ari Gold Every D*ckhead Can Appreciate
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The Best Of Ari Gold Every True D*ckhead Can Appreciate

WARNING: Sincere apologies in advance to those Ari would make cry IRL.

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https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9k8p4z/jeremy-pivens-stand-up-made-me-quit-my-comedy-job
HBO

"Entourage" chronicles the ups and downs of Hollywood's A-List rising star, Vincent Chase, along with his childhood best friends as they leave Queens to take on Los Angeles to make something of their (hopeful) dawning careers. With the newly abused lifestyle of the rich and the famous, the New Yorkers owe it all to Chase's agent, Ari Gold— whom without a doubt takes the cake on being the best character throughout the duration of the series.

Ari Gold is the definition of a stud. His horrifying foul language is something that can only be appreciated by those with extremely thick skin and a gold-mine sense of humor. His offensive and undiplomatic persona essentially ironically was the glue behind the show's success year after year. Jeremy Piven, who played Ari Gold, even won two Primetime Emmy Awards for his legendary performance on the series.

There's absolutely no way to pinpoint each one of Ari's most stellar antics but here's 40 of his most glorious moments on "Entourage" every true d*ckhead can appreciate:

1. "I came, I saw, I conquered. I'm like f*cking Caesar."

2. “Call me Helen Keller, because I’m a f*cking miracle worker!”

3. "Nobody’s happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I’m miserable. That’s why I’m rich."

4. "The anger meds didn't make me calm, they just made me not able to c*m, which just made me angry and just made my wife sore."

5. "There's no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading 'f*cked.'" 

6. "REALLY????"

7. "I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent, and I will not stop until I destroy you."

8. "The land down under, we're gonna get drunk with Russel Crowe and head-butt some God damn kangaroos." 

9. "Lloyd, pile everything you see into a box. Everything. You see a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a God damn spiked paddle don't think, just pack that b*tch. Chop suey!"

10. "Let's hug it out, b*tch." 

11. "When my father gave away my car, I was forced to lose my virginity on the back of a moped."

12. "SHUT. THE. F*CK. UP. LLOYD."

13. "Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mail room, offered to blow me. True story."

14. "We might be whores at my agency but we ain't pimps." 

15. "You will always be the gay son I never wanted, Lloyd."

16. "We're going to hell, so bring your sunblock."

17. "I'm sorry, I’d love to congratulate you all personally but unfortunately Barbara’s c*ck is all I can handle." 

18. "I gotta know what you think so I can tell you what I want you to think."

19. "You will come back stronger then ever. Like Lance Armstrong, but with two balls." 

20. "I'm not threatening your jobs, I'm threatening your lives." 

21. "I will deport you naked to the Taliban!"

22. “You know that your man has broken out of the Oompa-Loompa factory and is up to no good?”

23. “A shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold.”

24. "Incase your ears are f*cked, GET. THE. F*CK. OUT!"

25. "Lloyd, bust out your pink rolodex. Call every queer assistant you know and tell them to open their mouths like J.T.'s gonna drop a load in it. I want you hype this b*tch!"

26. "Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a d*ck. That’s what actors do. They pretend."

27. "Are you a communist? Or a socialist? Or didn’t they tell you the difference at Pepperoni U?"

28. "I’ll tell you what, Domino’s is hiring. Why don’t you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that's comedy."

29. "You’re Tom? Lloyd’s Tom? I don’t get it. You’re a good looking guy, you could get girls."

30. "Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident."

31. "He’s a businessman, Eric. Not your prom date who still has a grudge on you because you didn’t f*ck her right."

32. "I love a liar, but I hate a cheater."

33. "Silence, Lloyd. It's golden."

34. "But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership, and you want nine weeks a year in a Tuscan Villa, then I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in, at noon, on a mother f*cking Wednesday."

35. "To be successful, you need friends. To be very successful, you need enemies."

36. "Variety is like a high school paper. They pay their writers 28 grand a year to find out something to write about the popular kids.”

37. "I don’t know what he is, Vince. He could be Mossad, he could be Hezbollah, neither would suprise me."

38. "Ernesto! How many f*cking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas, for the past decade! Half of Mexico is eating on my chip that I’ve given you. Now bring my mother f*cking car now! Por favor!"

39. "It’s called aging, Terrence. Not everyone can stay young by sucking the blood of their employees."​

40. "We have enough money for five lifetimes, all right? I'm not saying it's gonna be forever but Sarah is going to college and this will be great for Jonah. But more importantly, it will be great for us, ok? And that's all that matters to me. I would marry you a thousand times over. You are the love of my life. I wouldn't know what I'd do with myself without you."

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