It may only be August, but the question of who is going to perform at next year’s Super Bowl halftime is already on everyone’s mind. A few months ago, one might have easily said Hillary Clinton, with her recent summer hit “Just Chillin’ (In Cedar Rapids),”seemed destined to be on that stage in front of hundreds of millions TV viewers. But as time has progressed, we’ve seen some strong competitors for the spot, including Jeb Bush and Lex Luthor, the latter of whom is currently leading the GOP polls. But I’m here to tell you all that I believe the next great Super Bowl halftime performance will come from a small independent artist in Vermont. His name is Bernie Sanders, and he’s taking the industry by storm. Here’s why he will be the next Super Bowl 2016 performance.
1. Bernie appeals to a crowd that is tired of big budget singles.
As downloads and streaming have firmly entrenched themselves in the music industry, the age of the album has withered while the age of the single has reemerged. Big-budget artists make their livings off of these singles, including Lindsay Graham’s “Dude (Looks Like a Lady)” and Martin O’Malley’s "Take a Chance on Me." The people are sick of it. Hillary’s “Just Chillin’ (In Cedar Rapids)” is an obnoxious song that on its own made enough money to park in a Los Angeles parking garage overnight.
Bernie Sanders is less about giant, irritating singles, and more about consistency. Although he doesn’t have anything quite as catchy as Joe Biden’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”, each one of his songs is powerful and engaging, making for an overall very complete and compelling halftime performance.
2. Bernie has played with the greats.
A lot of people see Bernie Sanders and think, “Him? At the Super Bowl? Impossible, he’s too old.” Too old? Bernie Sanders may not be young and flashy, but he has been playing great music for a long time. He’s been there playing with the greats from Woodstock to Lollapalooza, always fighting the good fight for music. He’s never become a household name, but within the history of the industry, he’s a legend. It would be an honor for him to play at the Super Bowl. Plus, Bernie can twerk better than Miley.
3. Bernie has a cult following.
No, you won’t drive downtown and see a giant billboard of Bernie Sanders half-naked, wearing high heels, and with an irrelevant fruit in his mouth to advertise his new single. His album may not be in the check-out line at Target for middle-aged women who think “Spotify” is something that removes stains from soccer jerseys. But even if he’s not in the mainstream, Bernie can sell out a crowd. Recent performances in Texas, Arizona, and Maine have attracted extraordinary crowds that have people wondering “How does he do it?” He just makes good music, man. So you may think Bernie wouldn’t have support at the Super Bowl, but you’d be surprised how many loyal fans would be dying to see this happen.
4. Bernie, despite being experimental, makes music most people like anyway.
People are often wary of Bernie Sanders because his music is a little more experimental than they’re used to. “We Need to Reduce the Wage Gap Because the American People Are Suffering at the Hands of Big Money” and “I’ve Supported Gay Marriage For Much Longer Than Many of My Contemporaries” are not your typical pop songs, no. Some people shy away from it on that basis. However, much like Radiohead, who have never conformed to convention, the music Bernie Sanders makes is actually pretty applicable and enjoyable to the majority of Americans when one sit downs and listens to it. So if the lights dim at halftime this coming February and Mr. Sanders emerges from the mist in a cascade of lasers and light, most people, even the skeptics, will find themselves enjoying it.
5. Bernie won’t treat his performance as an advertisement for Pepsi or Doritos.
Bernie has never been about the corporations or sponsorships. His performance would be about the music and the music only. Can’t you just picture Hillary walking out in a suit made entirely of Doritos, sitting on a throne of Pepsi cans singing her new hit, “Dear GOD Gimme Some of that Good Pepsi,” with a guest performance by Beyonce and a talking Dorito? It would be an insult to music.
However, Bernie would come out with his harmonica and guitar, deliver a raw performance of his classic, “Make Education More Affordable, Damnit” and every jaw in the crowd would drop and not be subliminally manipulated into buying garbage food.
6. Bernie f*cking shreds.
Look, we’ve all seen Bobby Jindal try to solo. We’ve seen Marco Rubio spin around on the ground with his guitar on fire (and the authorities called). We’ve seen Donald Trump scream into a microphone as loudly as he can for minutes on end without breathing until everyone in the crowd simply left. It’s all pretty embarrassing compared to when Bernie Sanders plugs in and absolutely shreds a gnarly-ass solo that melts everyone’s goddamned face off. That’s what we as Americans want, no, deserve, out of our next Super Bowl halftime performance.
