I Choose Me, Everytime, Always

I Choose Me, Everytime, Always

The single life is so beneficial to me that I won't give it up any time soon.

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I have many, many, many goals in life: get my bachelor's degree in publishing, find a job editing books, move on to edit comics or scripts for Marvel (fingers are so tightly crossed that they're wrapped around each other and double knotted for that one), go to Paris so I can be like Audrey Hepburn in "Sabrina," to make enough money to afford whatever I want from Tiffany's (another Audrey dream), and to go to Italy, where my great-grandmother came from in the twenties.

I also have a ridiculous amount of unrealistic goals as well, but I won't delve into those because, unfortunately, I rewind time to prevent the emotional instability that Marvel has caused me...so yeah, they're very much a wish. Also...being another foot taller would be nice too…being above five feet would be such an adventure.

Now, I bet that some of you have noticed that something is missing from the things I've rambled on about above. If you've thought "What about a relationship? Getting married?", then yes, you are one hundred and ten percent correct. Here's my mentality about this, and hopefully I can explain it well enough that it makes sense:

My happiness, my goals, and my career come first. Always.

Before you say anything, here's where the explaining comes in! I've spent my life putting everyone else's happiness and needs before my own, and there's really not much wrong with that, save select situations. I was raised to have a servant's heart. To be something that I wasn't comfortable being. As I've gotten older, my independent nature has grown along with me. And, to the surprise of most, I've never had too much desire to be in a relationship. I've always just thought about what I want out of life now that I can actually be what I chose.

Let me say now, there's no way that I'm going to be giving that up anytime soon. I crave freedom and independence. I crave adventure, travel, and just...life. I can't let a significant other hold me back from what I want in life...and I can't possibly make them sacrifice what they want so I can have my life either. I cannot put in the effort, time, and patience that maintaining that kind of relationship deserves to have. So, I choose to not be in a relationship. I can't continue to let things burden me down and keep me from being my best self.

While friends, family, and other loved ones are extremely important to me, those are easy to manage and they all encourage my growth and goals. They know my heart and mind, so they know how determined I am when I have my mind set on something.

So yes, I am very much single. No, I really don't desire a relationship...to have a man, as many of my customers put it. I choose my education. I choose my career. I choose my life.

And for once, I choose me.

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The Evolution Of Your Starbucks Order, From Middle School To College, As Told By An Avid Coffee Drinker

It's expensive, but damn it's good. And also way better then Dunkin'.

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We can all remember our first cup of that sweet sweet bean juice that has changed our lives for the better. Whether you need it every morning to get a fresh start on the day or every other day to ~treat yourself~, we can all agree that coffee is a necessity. I remember those trips to the mall in middle school where I could practically hear Starbucks whispering sweet nothings to me all the way from the parking garage outside, but just like I've aged well after middle school, so has my coffee taste. Grab that cup of happiness, and let us stroll through memory lane together, shall we?

1. The vanilla bean frappucino

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I think it is a safe assumption to say that every coffee drinker starts here. In middle school, these things were all the rage and honestly, so was that double chocolately chip frap as well, but anymore it might just hurt your stomach.

2. The pumpkin spice latte

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Although still very basic, it rarely ever had that "coffee" flavor, so you were still able to choke it down as an eighth-grader while still looking super cool for holding that sacred white cup. Honestly, I will still order this one like once a year with no shame because it is a classic.

3. The peppermint mocha (or other holiday drink)

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We all know those chic holiday cups that Starbucks so generously graces us with every year (shout out to that red cup from a few years ago that everyone was RAGED about), and they all have such delicious contents. The peppermint mocha is a staple to the holiday season, and also to your coffee timeline. It was probably the first time you enjoyed a coffee drink that had a hint of bean flavor.

4. The white chocolate mocha

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At this point, all of those holiday drinks are gone, and the fake coffee stans are in their state of depression until fall comes back around. BUT, the rest of us who need to be fueled by java are looking at other alternatives, so at this point, you have probably turned to something like the white chocolate mocha. You're probably growing fonder of the coffee taste as well.

5. The vanilla/caramel iced coffee

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We get it, you're sick of hot drinks and the coffee hitting your teeth when you drink it, so you have moved away from them in order to try iced coffee. This might be the largest part of your coffee-lution, and maybe even your greatest... but let's be honest, it was also your most expensive because you drank SO MUCH of it.

6. The pink drink

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Y'all, at this point, you have been a frequent flyer at your local Starbs. The baristas probably know your name, and they know exactly how much vanilla syrup to put into your iced coffee, but THEN, Starbucks pulls this wonder out of their magic little green apron. You tried it the first time, and then you were hooked.

7. Cold brew

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Just when we thought Starbucks was magical enough, they decided to do more for us, as if we even deserved it. When Starbucks introduced Cold Brew, it was so hard to get your hands on it because everyone was buying it so quickly. Oh, and when they ask for cream, by now you say no because you want that full, bold flavor of black coffee. 10/10 on the coffee scale.

8. The espressonade

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OK, I think I may have coined this term myself, and you may not have ever even had this. But it is a lemonade with a shot of espresso. It doesn't matter if it was part of your evolution because it is part of mine, and it's delicious.

9. Black coffee

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Hot or cold, it doesn't matter, it just depends on the weather. At this point in your timeline, you are sick of all the extraness, and you might even be bold enough to order an Americano. Regardless, black coffee will steal your heart, and once you try it, you won't want anything else.

10. Nitro cold brew

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Oh, you thought cold brew was good? That's funny, how about nitro cold brew? Don't ruin it with cream or flavored syrup, just sip that smooth yum yum juice and enjoy the rest of your day, because wow is this stuff good.

Believe me, we all start somewhere, for most of us it was frappucinos, or maybe it was those glass travel drinks that you can get from the gas station. The coffee community is very accepting, so just hang out in your local coffee shop and soak up the aromas.

Just remember folks, always #RefuseTheStraw, and if you don't post your drink on Instagram, then it does not count.

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I’ve Learned To Love The Girl I Used To Be Because It’s Made Me Who I Am

To the friend who feels heavy in the midst of mourning her past.

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"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Dedicated to the friend who feels heavy in the midst of mourning her past.

Silence is deafening.

It's both quiet and loud when the past is present.

Today, the sun may shine its yellow warmth but all I feel is the loneliness of grey and blue.

It's my first time back here since I buried her and the first time I've allowed myself to feel the weight of remembering her. Remembering the girl I used to be.

It is here at her grave that I feel most alone.

No one else is gravely mourning like I am. I have mourned not just the person she was but also the potential she had to be then.

No one else is solemnly rejoicing that she is no longer with us. Perhaps because no one I know now knew her. The ones that did, I've pushed away far enough so that I never have to dig up the past.

I haven't been back since the burial because I've only allowed myself to remember her when it's convenient. When it serves a purpose for other people, never for me though. Otherwise, I've erased all memory of her so that no one would be hurt by her again, especially not me.

She hurt me the most and I don't like remembering the damage. I don't like seeing my shipwrecked wreckage.

Yet, I'm here again hating the power she still holds on me long after I declared her dead.

The power of making me inferior in any and all relationships. Making me believe that if the people who love me now saw me in my wreckage then, they wouldn't want me anymore.

She has the power to make me fear a resurrection. Because if it is possible to bring the dead to life, maybe it's possible that six feet under, there's an empty casket and nothing ever changed. It's terrifying to think that I never really buried her, that I still am her.

But when I look beyond the tombstone, I see the sun and a promised tomorrow on the horizon.

One day, I'll come back and won't feel cold or lonely.

The warm embrace of yellow will surround me for I will have learned to love the girl I used to be not because of who she was but because of who I am.

She will no longer have the power to haunt me like the ghost we hear in horror stories and I will be free from the walking grave I carry around.

The past won't be so loud as to interrupt the present and talk over the future. I will be able to remember it as a silent movie of all my mistakes and be able to learn from them. Most of all, I will have ears to hear the now as it is, not as it was.

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