From the day I was born, some higher power has seemed to have a looming presence in my life. I was born prematurely and I wasn’t supposed to survive, but I did. I was given a second chance, a miracle of sorts. And ever since I can remember, I’ve attended a small Episcopalian church in the middle of Monteagle and Sewanee, and everyone that has been there with me has evolved into a second family.

Being raised in a small town, in a church that has few inhabitants, might seem lonely, but to me, it has always felt more like home than anywhere else, a place where I can feel at peace and attempt to understand the workings of myself and the world around me. It’s so serene, and every time I step into the tiny white building, I feel secure. It’s a feeling that I’ve never quite been able to interpret, nor to genuinely describe. But I've slowly begun to realize that the power and warmth I feel is God.

Recently, as I’ve begun to grow into my teenage years, I have felt myself slipping away, having doubts, not quite understanding why, but knowing that I’m still trying to explore myself and my future, and I am unsure if religion would be a part of it. It’s honestly terrifying to not know where you’re going or what your beliefs are, as they seem to shift so frequently that you can barely figure it out from one day to the next. But in the back of my mind, He is always there. While I have yet to find the core of my doubts, there are a few reasons that have stemmed into the ones that are the most prominent.

My father passed away when I was barely a year old, and I have always had the question in my mind of simply..why? Whether it be allowance or a lack of prevention, I used to blame God for it, thinking that it was His fault that he was gone, when in actuality, perhaps it took away his pain, and he’s now in peace. I used to blame Him for all of the bad things that happened in my life, because I didn’t know what else to do. I went through a really dark period in life not too long ago. Around that time I started having doubts about many things. But the biggest thing being my religion, because I felt as if I had done something wrong, that all of the events that occurred happened because I wasn’t a good enough Christian or because I deserved it in some way.

I’ve begun to realize that this whole life is truly a journey, a very long one, but one that we all experience in our own way. Sometimes you take a different route or stray from the path a few times, but you always seem to be called back.

My point is, that I believe in God. I believe in a power that loves and gives and guides. I still have doubts and I make mistakes. I even sin. But that doesn’t make me a bad person, it only validates the fact that I am human, and that even though I may not believe what others do, or am afraid of seeking answers sometimes in case they might not be what I desire them to be, I am an Episcopalian, a believer in love and in life, and I don’t think that life would be how it is without some sort of higher power enforcing me to make the choices I do-- to make mistakes, to be the best that I can be, in order to live the life that I was given.

I don’t know my purpose in life, or who I am meant to be, but I know that I cannot find that out if I don’t stumble and fall and break down and rise back up. God isn’t my enemy, in fact, no one really is. Because in truth, good things can come from some of the worst times, and it is in my faith in what I believe that I hold onto most in those times of sadness and pain, in order to lift myself back up again.

My beliefs make me stronger. My morals are what help define me, what build me up when I don’t think I have enough strength. I am a child of God, of a power that I cannot even begin to describe, but what I can describe is the love that I see in that church, in the way that we pray together, and cry together and go through life together, and in a way, I feel as if that is what God is to me. He is the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, but he is also someone that makes me feel like I am worthy of the love that I am shown.