I am the one who reads and rereads every text I send out. I am the one who spends hours dissecting conversations that didn't go the way I planned. I am the one who hurts myself more than others could ever hurt me; simply because I care too much.
Don't misunderstand -- caring for others is an important and vital trait in our daily communication. But I take it a step farther. I over-analyze minute details of conversations I have with friends, family members, and significant others, hoping and praying that I do not say the wrong thing or hurt anybody's feelings by accident. I stay awake at night, wondering where a friendship I may have severed years ago went wrong. I make sure that I am there for my friends, almost to the point where maybe they feel a bit crowded by me.
And of course, anybody that knows me knows one thing to be true: I will always apologize.
Not only do I always apologize, but I will no matter what the situation. Whether what occurred was truly my fault or not, I'll be right there to apologize in a matter of seconds; and many times at that. I have to make sure that whatever happened, I have thoroughly apologized for so that the friendship/relationship can be saved.
Yes, caring is very important in relationships. But caring too much is not only exhausting and time-consuming: it hurts. It hurts more than I would ever want to admit. I always try to do the right thing, making sure that anything that could go wrong in a relationship does not. But I can't control everything. And when relationships fail, when conversations go awry, when fights break out, I panic. I get scared start to doubt myself. How could I have let that happen, how could that conversation have gotten out of hand? What could have been done to stop it, and why didn't I stop it?
When relationships with others fail, be it a relationship best friend, a coworker, a significant other, or a family member, I spend days in heartache. I wonder what I did wrong. I mull over the last few conversations in my mind until I can barely even think straight any more.
All of these traits, these doubts, these insecurities: they are all a product of being someone who cares too much.
