Phrases like "You have an amazing smile," or "you’re one of the happiest people I know," and "you s**t sunshine" are all compliments I have received over the course of my life. Now, for the most part, I would agree with these statements and say I am a pretty happy person, except for maybe the last one because that one isn’t too accurate. I love to laugh and smile. I enjoy making other people’s day by telling them jokes and cheering them up, but what you see on the outside may not always be what is going on inside. As weird as it may sound, I will admit that I am a happy depressed person.
Depression is something that I have been battling since freshman year of high school. I’m not really sure what caused my depression that year, but the one thing I do know is it was a terrible year. I lost all interest in any activity I loved before, it was a struggle to get out of bed every morning, and I stopped talking to friends that I used to spend hours talking on the phone with. Nothing excited me, including going to lunch during school and watching reality tv which if you know me you definitely know that I absolutely love these two activities. Even though ninth grade was a ticking time bomb, as I got older and continued high school I learned to cope with my emotions. I still had bad days, but I started to have more good days mixed in with the bad.
Now that I am a rising junior in college, I can gladly say that I have come a long way. Depression is still something that I struggle with daily and my life isn’t perfect but as strange as it may sound I really am a happy person. Being happy and depressed seems so oxymoronic, but it truly is how I feel.
I always get many reactions when I admit to having depression. Most people tell me I seem too happy to be depressed or even ask if I’m sure I have depression. Now people, having a mental illness isn’t something that you announce right after you say your name when first meeting someone. I also don’t really believe that talking about my depression is a great conversation starter. You may also not believe that being equally happy and depressed is possible but I’m here to tell you that it’s definitely feasible.
For anyone that may be reading this article and agrees that being both happy and depressed is possible, don’t ever let anyone make you believe that your feelings aren’t valid. You’re not alone is this strange combination of emotions. And for anyone that may be reading this article and is depressed and doesn’t understand how it is ever possible to be happy ever again, I can tell you with complete confidence that it does get better. It may be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise you it’s there. Never be afraid to reach out for help and always remember it’s ok to not be ok.
