I've been blogging for a little while now, and some of us like to get more "personal" than others. Those of you who read my articles know I'm merely an open book. Those of you who actually know me, know it's more than difficult to even get to know me.
The reason why I'm so brutally honest and open in my articles is that I've been going and growing through a lot right now. Some things I almost didn't survive. Other things, I could've done without. But it's our experiences that make us who we are. Nevertheless, I always wished I had somebody who'd gone through the things that I did to help advise me in my decisions and healing processes. But no one that I knew ever had.
That's why I write these crazy stories. Because they are the snip-its of my life that, yes, maybe brutal, however, they taught me more about myself than anything. And I believe God allowed the multitude of these ballistic events to happen to me so that I can advise others so that they don't lose themselves the way I did. So that they may win their mental battles rather than fail them as I did so many times. Hey, maybe I can even save a life.
So today, I am going to share something beyond personal. Something most people would feel ashamed about, but it's something I would plaster on my forehead because this decision literally saved my life.
A lot of you are probably wondering who and where the father of my child is. That's not any soul decision a woman should be "proud of," but I am proud of that. And this is why.
For months, my heart was yearning for this man to reach out to me and ask about his son. My heart was breaking that I was experiencing my pregnancy and all the perks that it entails, all by myself. I felt abandoned and I wanted Eli to have a dad.
My wish finally came true. He finally did reach out to me. But he didn't say the right thing. He said he would have a lot to think about on the matter because my son wasn't in his "grand plan." And that maybe one day, who knows when, he would like to know his son, but that he is moving away next year to pursue his career as a traveling RN and he would have to be a long distance dad if or when he decided to randomly pop into my son's life. A son who would've already spent years of bliss not knowing his father. A son who already probably didn't care, and didn't feel abandoned because his father would've already been replaced, and that's all he would've needed.
This man was already planning on coming in out of the blue and completely blowing over the Heavenly Earth that I had created for my son.
That's when it hit me. My son is not a choice to be made. He is a human being with a heart and feelings and attachments, and he deserves a good dad. Was I scared at first, knowing I would be walking into this alone? Hell yes. But that didn't stop me from dedicating my life and fixing up to be the woman my son deserves. I promise you, there is no love like that of a child. There is no motivation like that of a child. And no matter what the circumstance, they will never hold you back. Only push you forward.
This man was nothing but a revolving door boyfriend to me for years because I was nothing but a choice for him. He would've been nothing but a revolving door dad to Eli because he sees his own son as nothing but a choice as well. I'm not sure what kind of heathen has the heart to do that, but I'm ashamed to say I know one. I wasn't going to let him destroy my son the way he did me.
And he is done destroying me. I have made the decision to put my foot down, and I couldn't be happier to do this life thing with my son and thankfully, without his father. Looking on into a future with his father, I see he would've destroyed everyone and everything.
Ladies, whether you are a mother or not, you should pay attention to the lessons in this, because it took me so long to learn them, and everyone deserves to understand them.
This is the first time in four and a half years that I can finally say I have come to peace with putting this man to rest and never reawakening him. I can't tell you how relieved I am. It finally doesn't hurt anymore. Because by leaving him in my past, once and for all, I have opened myself to the opportunity of one day meeting an amazing man. An opportunity we all deserve. This was all due to the fact that I realized I am too good to be a choice. So are you.
I always said no one will replace him, and no one will. Because from this day forward, I am not a choice. Not to him, not to anyone. After years of abuse, from him and multiple other "in-betweens," I will never be mistreated again because I will be patient, strong, and I WILL NOT SETTLE.
One day, I'll be loved the right way. Because no, I am not that desperate. Thanks to Eli, I love myself more.
You need to understand. You are someone's daughter. Someone's sister. Someone's friend. You are loved in the right way by so many people so why would you let one man come in and break that love? You don't deserve to be under that kind of pain, and the people who love you don't deserve to have to watch it destroy you. You don't deserve to suffer in any kind of relationship that would break you.
Those of you who are currently struggling, it's time to be happy. Rest assured the decision is yours. Because you are not a choice, and you deserve to make that choice today.
You will always be so much more. Don't forget that.