Lesson One Of Becoming A Single Mother

Lesson One Of Becoming A Single Mother

"I always said no one will replace him, and no one will. Because from this day forward, I am not a choice."


I've been blogging for a little while now, and some of us like to get more "personal" than others. Those of you who read my articles know I'm merely an open book. Those of you who actually know me, know it's more than difficult to even get to know me.

The reason why I'm so brutally honest and open in my articles is that I've been going and growing through a lot right now. Some things I almost didn't survive. Other things, I could've done without. But it's our experiences that make us who we are. Nevertheless, I always wished I had somebody who'd gone through the things that I did to help advise me in my decisions and healing processes. But no one that I knew ever had.

That's why I write these crazy stories. Because they are the snip-its of my life that, yes, maybe brutal, however, they taught me more about myself than anything. And I believe God allowed the multitude of these ballistic events to happen to me so that I can advise others so that they don't lose themselves the way I did. So that they may win their mental battles rather than fail them as I did so many times. Hey, maybe I can even save a life.

So today, I am going to share something beyond personal. Something most people would feel ashamed about, but it's something I would plaster on my forehead because this decision literally saved my life.

A lot of you are probably wondering who and where the father of my child is. That's not any soul decision a woman should be "proud of," but I am proud of that. And this is why.

For months, my heart was yearning for this man to reach out to me and ask about his son. My heart was breaking that I was experiencing my pregnancy and all the perks that it entails, all by myself. I felt abandoned and I wanted Eli to have a dad.

My wish finally came true. He finally did reach out to me. But he didn't say the right thing. He said he would have a lot to think about on the matter because my son wasn't in his "grand plan." And that maybe one day, who knows when, he would like to know his son, but that he is moving away next year to pursue his career as a traveling RN and he would have to be a long distance dad if or when he decided to randomly pop into my son's life. A son who would've already spent years of bliss not knowing his father. A son who already probably didn't care, and didn't feel abandoned because his father would've already been replaced, and that's all he would've needed.

But no.

This man was already planning on coming in out of the blue and completely blowing over the Heavenly Earth that I had created for my son.

That's when it hit me. My son is not a choice to be made. He is a human being with a heart and feelings and attachments, and he deserves a good dad. Was I scared at first, knowing I would be walking into this alone? Hell yes. But that didn't stop me from dedicating my life and fixing up to be the woman my son deserves. I promise you, there is no love like that of a child. There is no motivation like that of a child. And no matter what the circumstance, they will never hold you back. Only push you forward.

This man was nothing but a revolving door boyfriend to me for years because I was nothing but a choice for him. He would've been nothing but a revolving door dad to Eli because he sees his own son as nothing but a choice as well. I'm not sure what kind of heathen has the heart to do that, but I'm ashamed to say I know one. I wasn't going to let him destroy my son the way he did me.

And he is done destroying me. I have made the decision to put my foot down, and I couldn't be happier to do this life thing with my son and thankfully, without his father. Looking on into a future with his father, I see he would've destroyed everyone and everything.

Ladies, whether you are a mother or not, you should pay attention to the lessons in this, because it took me so long to learn them, and everyone deserves to understand them.

This is the first time in four and a half years that I can finally say I have come to peace with putting this man to rest and never reawakening him. I can't tell you how relieved I am. It finally doesn't hurt anymore. Because by leaving him in my past, once and for all, I have opened myself to the opportunity of one day meeting an amazing man. An opportunity we all deserve. This was all due to the fact that I realized I am too good to be a choice. So are you.

I always said no one will replace him, and no one will. Because from this day forward, I am not a choice. Not to him, not to anyone. After years of abuse, from him and multiple other "in-betweens," I will never be mistreated again because I will be patient, strong, and I WILL NOT SETTLE.

One day, I'll be loved the right way. Because no, I am not that desperate. Thanks to Eli, I love myself more.

You need to understand. You are someone's daughter. Someone's sister. Someone's friend. You are loved in the right way by so many people so why would you let one man come in and break that love? You don't deserve to be under that kind of pain, and the people who love you don't deserve to have to watch it destroy you. You don't deserve to suffer in any kind of relationship that would break you.

Those of you who are currently struggling, it's time to be happy. Rest assured the decision is yours. Because you are not a choice, and you deserve to make that choice today.

You will always be so much more. Don't forget that.

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Dear Mom, Now That I'm Older

A letter to the woman who made me the woman I am today.

Dear Mom,

Now that I'm older, I definitely appreciate you a lot more than I did as a kid. I appreciate the little things, from the random text messages to constantly tagging me on Facebook in your "funny" photos and sending me pins of stuff I like on Pinterest. Now that I'm older, I can look back and realize that everything I am is all because of you. You've made me strong but realize it's okay to cry. You've shown me how a mother gives everything to her children to give them a better life than she had, even when she's left with nothing. And, most importantly you've taught me to never give up and without this, I would not be where I am today.

Mom, now that I'm older, I realize that you're the best friend I'm ever going to have. You cheer me on when I try new things and support me in deciding to be whatever person I want to be. Thank you for never telling me I can't do something and helping me figure out ways to be the best woman I can be. Your love for me is unconditional. They say true, unconditional love can only come from God, but mom, I think you're a pretty close second.

SEE ALSO: An Open Letter To The Cool Mom

Now that I'm older, I don't get to see you as much. But not seeing you as much just makes the times I do get to see you the absolute best, and I look forward to it every time. Now that I'm older, I'm not going to live at home. But, I promise to always come back because I know the door is always open. Your house is always going to be my home, and no other place is going to be the same.

Now that I'm older, I realize how much I miss you taking care of me. I miss you making me dinner, making sure I was doing well in school, and taking me to endless appointments. I miss you waking me up for school and then waking me up again because I didn't listen the first time.

But, Mom, now that I'm older, I can see all that you've done for me. I can look back and see how big of a brat I was but you still loved me (and let me live) anyways. I can understand why you did certain things and frankly, you're one bada** of a woman.

To have you as my mom and my best friend has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. So, Mom, now that I'm older, thank you, for everything.


Your Daughter

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Some Seasoned Advice From Moms Who Have Experienced Just About Everything

Advice from some AMAZING moms


I asked some of the moms that I know what they would tell their younger selves. What do they wish they'd known when they were younger? What advice do they want young women now to know?

With work and friends...

"My first bit of advice is work related. I have learned to to be very careful repeating information that I have heard in the office. This includes personal & professional matters. I also try to limit my time w/ coworkers that are big gossipers. If you think you might "know" something that could impact a decision, try to direct the person so that they can get the information from the correct source. For example, you might not want to say "Did you hear we fired that major supplier?" You could instead try saying, "Check w/ Jill in purchasing to see if she knows of any vendors w/ the best price on that part."

Second bit is personal. Make time to check in w/ your friends. Things get so busy but quick text or DM to say "thinking of you" can really help a person who's having a hard day."

Keep on working through it...

"1. When adversity strikes don't shy away and get mad, try to get through it with a happy heart because it's God's way of helping you grow. 2. Remember life wasn't meant to be perfect so stop thinking it should be! Just be you and plow through those challenges with a smile on your face. Everything ALWAYS works out!"

Be confident in yourself...

"I would say work on mindset and confidence. I would tell myself not to walk on the safe side of the street. Walk boldly towards what gives you fear and don't be afraid to take chances. When your mindset is focused on persevering through something you fear, the anxiety diminishes and the end result is success. Even if you fail, you did something that scared you and you grew as a person from that experience. You have to repeatedly tell yourself, "I can do this," despite the voices that tell you that you cannot."

Some "don't" advice...

"Don't let society's expectations determine how you live your life. Don't think you're the problem just because you aren't what others expect. You don't have to think inside the box. Don't let anyone hold you back from what you want. Don't stress over not being good enough based on other people's values. Have your own values and don't let other people define you."

Enjoy where you're at...

"I want to tell my younger self that I create my own happiness, not somebody else. When I was younger, I was looking for somebody else to fulfill that need. I feel that the thing that makes something successful is that you have to be whole and happy for yourself. Another thing is that I would tell my younger self not to rush my life. Enjoy where you're at. You can do it all. You can study, go out, be well-rounded. Don't limit yourself."

It's okay to forgive yourself...

"You have to forgive yourself. People are so hard on themselves and put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect all the time. You have to realize that the only way to get through things and live your life is to sometimes cut yourself some slack. Nobody is perfect and that's okay. Give yourself a break."

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