When you start dating a person, it’s quite impossible to truly know where it’ll lead. You could end up partners for life, in a constant state of flux, or just plain horrible for each other. When it ends badly, of course you need to consider your best interests about the potential to remain friends, because sometimes it could be a really detrimental decision. On the other other hand, perhaps breaking up could save a really fantastic friendship, and solidify that person as an important and special person in your life.
When my now-ex and I broke up, we were dissolving a difficult relationship. We each had too much emotional baggage that affected the other, and it was ruining the best platonic elements of our relationship. Breaking up, as hard as it was in the moment, was entirely worth it. It has its ups and downs, but I’ve come to find the pros outweigh the cons, and I couldn’t be happier to call my ex one of my best friends.
Here’s some of the things I’ve learned and pondered as my ex and I have pursued a great friendship:
1. There will be fights.
2. There might be awkward moments where people still think you're dating.
I've been asked countless times since getting back to school how my relationship is going. When you respond, you might hear things that knock at your past relationship or your ex. While it's okay to be honest, also remember if you want your friendship to work, don't let jabs at the ex pass.
3. There will be nay-sayers.
In that same regard, there will be people who tell you your friendship won't work. They'll come at you with every reason in the book of Why Being Friends With Your Ex Sucks. Just remember that your relationship with the ex can be infinitely different from their own experiences, and you shouldn't doubt your friendship because of others haven't worked out.
4. The disease of communication: interpreting mixed signals.
This can be strongly entrenched with the issue of fights. You might be susceptible to insecurities regarding your ex. You might take things the wrong way. You might even take their affection as romantic passes, or vice versa. There is a simple answer to this issue: don't jump to conclusions. We're all adults; if we regret the end of a relationship, test the waters and say something. In that same regard, if you don't think things could work romantically again, lay that out on the table.
5. Potential issues when pursuing new relationships.
I constantly ponder my anxieties about future relationships. Will I be jealous if he gets a new girlfriend? Will he be uncomfortable if I get one? What if she's prettier, smarter, better? Again, this goes back to communication. If you guys are in the same general friend group, and you meet someone new, you should let them know beforehand. Don't spring it on them. And remember, you remained friends because you mean something to each other, and know you're better off as friends than as a couple.
6. On the flip side: your squad will stay intact.
7. They know exactly what to send you.
Whether it be birthday gifts, or links on Facebook, your ex knows exactly what you'd enjoy. You've spent so much time sharing your passions with them, it's relatively impossible to say that you can't imagine anything they would like. And it's totally okay to see something on the internet and be like: "oh my god, that is so so-and-so."
8. The joy of continued inside jokes.
With all your history, it's unlikely that things from your joint past won't come up. And this doesn't have to bad. In fact, the comfortability with embracing the things that made you close, and transitioning them into your friendship is a great starting point to opening conversation, and even breaking awkward moments.
9. They know your quirks, and can especially detect when you're not doing okay.
You've spent enough time with your ex to know when things are up with them. Whether they be anxious, or uncomfortable, or angry, or scared, or upset, there is a chance you'll be able to read them like a book. And you know what? That's really great. Not only can you see past their masks, to help them out even if they don't necessarily want to ask for help, but there will be someone else who knows or wants to help you when you feel helpless or conflicted.
10. You get to beat the odds.
Let's be honest, it feels fucking incredible to defeat the haters. To those who told you that your friendship would be awkward or not work out, they were wrong! You get to not be part of the campus statistic, and show how freaking awesome you guys are.
11. They will be one of your biggest cheerleaders.
Going back to how your ex's know so much about you, they really know you. They know what you're working for, what your passionate about, and what's standing in your way. And when you succeed, or even just need a bit of a boost, you better believe they will be there to give you a high-five or a hug or cookies or tea. Nothing makes me happier when my ex gets past a block, and it's always fantastic to get a congratulatory text for him when I succeed.
12. They will be there for you.
All in all, when they're a good friend, they can be a pretty great friend. I love spending time with my ex, and being there for him whatever he might be going through. And I know without a doubt he'll support me through whatever stands in my way. I'm so blessed to be best friends with my ex.
And you are too.
