Withdrawn. Guarded. Defensive. Angry. Unworthy. Sinner. – Gracie
Worthy. Whole. Unique. Protected. Loved. Redeemed. – Jesus
Mmmm sweet, sweet J.
One of the hardest and most agonizing lessons Jesus has been teaching me the last nine weeks at Oklahoma State is that there is value in coming into contact with Jesus daily but there is also an authoritative, purposeful, and gravitating importance of being vulnerable with Papa.
According to my boy Webster the word vulnerable means “easily hurt, or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally”. At first glance, the words “hurt” and “harm” harshly resonates within my heart. Physical, mental, and emotional pain…hmm…yeah hard pass.
I am utterly terrified of pain. Emotional pain especially. That’s why when J first placed the word vulnerable on my heart at the beginning of the semester, I tightly clinched my fists because the mere thought of reopening wounds in my past petrified me.
Although terrified, I have reluctantly began to explore what being vulnerable with Jesus in actuality means. I’ve begun to learn that He isn’t asking me to fearfully approach him, head bowed in shame. He isn’t asking me to open up past and current scars in order that he may condemn me. He isn’t asking me to dig into the back of my brain and restore the most painful of memories in order that I may replay them in my head. He isn’t asking me to be vulnerable in order that I may be “easily hurt, or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally.”
What he is tenderly and desperately asking of me is to look at Him. Jesus is wanting me to be vulnerable with him in order that I may look at Him in the face and rest in the delight of His goodness. As I begin to become vulnerable Jesus, cautiously handing him each individual experience, I begin to worship. I begin to worship in the fact that this life beholds pain, suffering, and harm but Jesus doesn’t. He has allowed my life to follow a specific path, wondering in certain directions, in order that I may be able to grow and obtain certain qualities in order that I may continue to become more like Him.
Without a doubt, there have been times within my life that certain circumstances have omitted so much suffering that I have become crippled under the bearing weight of the pain. But as I learn to become vulnerable with J, I am learning to be still within this overwhelming power of healing and rest. I am to come before the thrown of grace and sit in Jesus’ lap as he holds my hand and we walk through life – past and present - together. By striving for vulnerability, I am reminded of how Jesus continuously reaches out and envelopes me with the most overwhelming power of healing and peace.
You see, the words I introduced at the beginning of this article is a concrete demonstration of a typical conversation I have with J. Me condemning myself while Papa sweetly looks at my face with love in his eyes reassuring me that my feelings of inadequacy are untrue.
By being vulnerable, I am able to look at him and present a whirlwind of ugly insecurities and a worrisome attitude as he holds my hand, reassuring me of who I am now because of the blood of the Lamb.
He is so sweet, y’all.
