I had coffee with a friend who told me about the tension between her and her parents. She struggled the most with the disconnect between how she wanted to act toward them versus how she actually did. When we want to grow, first comes the awareness that we need to grow. And this awareness can be so overwhelming that we are discouraged from trying. Then a revelation broke across her face; this new and uncomfortable awareness is the first step of the change process. In order to change, she had to start caring again. This lead to a bit of cognitive dissonance, which is an uncomfortable state of being, but necessary in order to be self-aware and change.
I find myself in the same boat as my friend. Being in a leadership position this past year has revealed some of my own shortcomings. I learned that I indeed suffer from a disease I believe is plaguing many millennials. It's the Good-Intentions-Without-Follow-Up syndrome. Symptoms include boom and bust creativity, excessive good ideas, minimal commitment, inconsistent follow-up, high levels of initial excitement and lows levels of daily grind. I felt the same struggle of inadequacy through the awareness of my daily inconsistencies, and it was discouraging. I had two options. I could change the way I think about my shortcomings and come up with excuses as to why they are okay and change is not needed or I could transform my behavior to fit into my values. I decided to go with the latter option even though it came with a sense of inadequacy and struggle.
Encouraged by my friend's revelation, I began to see my uncomfortable awareness as it truly is - a blessing from God. And I embraced my cognitive dissonance as a precious gift. God uses discomfort as the pottery wheel that spins us so He can shape us. Check out this Rabbi with an awesome beard use lobsters to explain the same concept in under two minutes.
I don't think I am the only one who struggles to overcome this stage of the change process. I would even assert my generation tends to struggle with it. We have this subconscious expectation that we are supposed to graduate college and begin our first job feeling totally competent and prepared to fulfill the position exceptionally. High performance has been pushed on us as early as second grade state reading tests. The pressure was so strong that seven-year-olds created their own rigid hierarchy of worth based off of what color sticker marked the book you read (because the color determined the reading level of the book). And people say color doesn't matter...
Then high school divided students into Accelerated Placement, average and remedial classes. We were pushed to compete against each other to create the best college resume and secure a spot at university so we could have a decent life. No one tells us that college actually doesn't prepare us for life. Jumping through all the academic hoops also does not promise us a good job when we graduate, or a job at all, really. Its just a part of the process that shapes us while we're there, then we move on to the next season and we start the growth process all over again.
The discomfort of cognitive dissonance is a blessing I want to tap into though my default mode is to avoid it. When I feel inadequate and discouraged, I take heart and remember:
1. I will never be fully prepared, and every new life experience will take continual growth. I will give myself grace to grow and embrace the process because there is no such thing as microwave success or perfection. Philipians 3:12
2. Failure is a my brutally honest best friend, not a shameful character flaw. Take risks and learn from failure rather than expend all my energy in order to avoid it. Proverbs 27:6
3. Awareness of my flaws is uncomfortable, but I would rather embrace the discomfort and take part in the change process than ignore the invitation. Genesis 32:22-32
4. When I allow comparison to other people to set my standards, or use it as my source of motivation, it will stunt my growth like throwing salt into soil. Mathew 25:14-30
The only true failure is allowing myself to be paralyzed in fear.
Take one small step. Do some research, reach out to that professor, set a goal and tell someone about it, look up some counseling centers in your area, call your mom, turn off Netflix, and just start moving.
We are never going to know it all or reach perfection.
Welcome to humanity, you'll fit right in.
