The world is going to do its best to convince you that there are certain ways you're "supposed" to be. If you're lucky, skewed perceptions of normalcy won't faze you, but, if you're like me, you'll buy into them and cause yourself a lot of grief. I'm not particularly naïve, but I sure believed every source that told me I needed to be outgoing, flirtatious, and the life of the party. These ideals clashed with my naturally calm, reserved, "I made pancakes and watched four movies this Saturday" type of personality.
I did some things and avoided others in my unyielding quest to become what I thought I was “supposed” to be. I stayed at a school that didn’t make me happy. I went to parties that made me feel uncomfortable. I joined a sorority that wasn’t the right fit. Every major decision I made was in the hope that that new experience would change me. I couldn’t go to an all-girls high school because I needed to be around boys all the time, to increase my chances of being noticed by one. I couldn’t be in a quiet or more studious dorm in college because people my age were supposed to want to be around people who partied. I refused to put myself in situations that made me happy because I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy with who I was.
As you can imagine, this mindset took a toll on my mental health. I thought that if I forced myself into situations that weren’t right for me, I would become someone who would thrive in those situations. I didn’t. I shut down; because no matter how much I looked like I fit in, I always knew that I didn’t. When you put yourself in an environment in which you feel out of place, you start to believe that every place you will ever go will be just as daunting. I couldn’t image that anyone else could be anything like me. It didn’t matter how many times my mom tried to tell me that I wasn't so unique in the way I was feeling; it was like she was trying to convince me that the sky was green, when, every time I looked up, I would see blue. In my world, no one was like me. How could she convince me that my reality wasn’t reality?
It took years of unhappiness and seemingly endless frustration for me to realize that if I don’t want to feel out of place, I can't put myself in situations that will make me feel that way. That's why I've decided that, if I can help it, I will completely and vehemently refuse to surround myself with people who don't feed my soul. I will make my decisions based on what will make me a better person, not a different person. I will let myself grow into whatever I am, not envy others for what they are. All I've learned from years of stifling myself is that the way I'm supposed to be is the way that I am.
