Most children who throw tantrums over being fed vegetables or who stubbornly refuse to finish dinner are told the same things over and over by exasperated parents: “You’ll grow out of this.” “If you try it, you’ll eventually like it.” “You’re just being stubborn.”

In many cases, these probably-well-meaning parents are right. Most children’s palates eventually develop and mature as they grow, and as a general rule, fully formed adults are very likely to have a broader and healthier diet than your average four-year-old.

Sometimes, though, these well-worn mantras do not turn out to be right at all. Sometimes, we don’t "grow out of it."

I'll never grow up, Wendy!

I’ve spoken before briefly about my experience with a variety of chronic conditions, including a disorder called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) – or, as I like to call it, “Picky Eating: The Diagnosis.” Societally and culturally speaking, to have a limited diet that isn’t based on demonstrable allergies/intolerances or ethical objections (e.g. vegetarianism/veganism and its cousins) is viewed in the same way people look at a stubborn, fussy child: immature, spoiled, and contemptuous. People are apt to say, “It’s not that you can’t eat it, you just won’t.”

But in reality, most people who fall under the ARFID umbrella are experiencing a very real struggle. In fact, the DSM’s diagnostic criteria demands that for a person to be considered as having ARFID, they must suffer from “significant weight loss…; significant nutritional deficiency; dependence on enteral feeding or oral nutritional supplements; or marked interference with psychosocial functioning.” That is, an individual with ARFID isn’t choosing to limit their diet; its restrictions negatively impact their life. Attempting to force down an unsafe food can cause huge physical or psychological stress, or may not even be possible.

For that reason, I want to take the time to educate on how people can not be a major dick to their friends and loved ones with “picky” eating problems. Read on and learn!

1. Recognize that eating out is always going to be an adventure.

It’s rarely easy picking a place for group dining that will please all, but take a moment to be considerate of those who really won’t have any meal options if you pick a restaurant lacking in their safe foods. If you wouldn’t take your vegetarian friend to a steakhouse, please don’t take your picky friend to a fancy Italian restaurant when the only pasta they eat is Kraft mac-’n’-cheese.

2. Bone up on creative compromises.

Sometimes you can’t be a perfect provider when it comes to safe foods for your loved one. We get it! If you’ll let us help, the best solution is often a compromise. This could mean calling your restaurant of choice and asking if they have a kids’ menu or simpler options, offering to swing your bro through a fast food place before or after your meal, asking if you can give them a different meal option at your place, or even just arranging things so that they can go and get their own sustenance as needed without being left to starve.

3. Eliminate “But just try this, though” from your vocabulary.

Seriously. I’m not going to try it. If I tried it, it’s more than possible that I’ll straight up gag, spit, or retch. If we say something’s a no-go, it’s a no go. And if you’re not sure if it is or not, just ask! I’m happy to tell you if I’d try a bite of something or if I’d rather take a pass.

(Sometimes very vocally.)

4. Learn that food surprises are not always good gifts.

Home cooked meals, surprise picnics, or breakfast in bed are all very romantic/sweet presents for someone you care about… unless it’s packed with food they can’t eat. Most of us feel really bad about turning that down, but unfortunately we just don’t have it in us to stomach that baked pasta dish or homemade dessert, no matter how much effort you put into it. So for both of your sakes’, maybe just save the cooking prowess or surprise treats for someone less taste-selective, and stick to what you know is approved for us.

5. Update your understanding of what constitutes “different” to a selective eater.

Different is almost always bad for someone with ultra-sensitive tastes. For that reason, you might have to learn to be careful about assuming one thing is just as edible as another just because they’re based on the same concept. I’d eat me a can of chicken noodle soup a day – but if it’s literally anything other than Campbell’s Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup (Classic) with exactly one can of water and no extra veggies, there’s no way it’s touching my lips. In the same vein, liking one form of chicken does not imply the acceptance of all chicken, liking EasyMac does not correlate to liking baked macaroni with breadcrumbs, and not all french fries are created equal. It is better to ask first than to apologize later.

6. Leave your embarrassment back at home.

From experience, I can tell you that any adult with ARFID is already well accustomed to the awkward and self-conscious experience of picking at the meal your in-laws made you, ordering off the kid’s menu on a date, or having to rely on McDonald’s proximity to survive any fancy night out. There’s no need to make it worse by trying to hide yourself, neglecting to defend us, or making fun to "ease the tension."

7. Don’t tell us what we already know!

Seriously. We’re all aware that we may die young, that starch is not a diet, and that vegetables, as a general rule, are not harbingers of poison. Someone with disordered picky eating isn’t a spoiled bougie who refuses to eat low-calibre caviar, they’re a human being who knows the same things you do, and suffers from a hyper-limited diet anyway. Save your lectures for the soapbox.

8. Be like a scout: always prepared.

It’s easy to assume that your pals or guests will surely manage to scrounge something up from your pantry or whatever 24-hour-diner happens to be nearby. But even a little foresight, like keeping an extra can of Spaghettios, a case of soda, or a bag of chips available that you know is a safe food can go a long way in making your picky bae feel safe and at home.

9. Don’t leave the ARFID folk in your life to fend for themselves.

You don’t have to protect every picky person you know from bullies like a mother grizzly bear, but a good friend will recognize that constant self-advocacy is exhausting. If you’re in a group, go ahead and take the initiative to mention “Sarah, you can’t eat seafood, right? So let’s not pick sushi for lunch.” It can be a lot easier to stand up for your needs when you know you have someone on your side.

10. Never be afraid to ask.

We know you don’t want to be insensitive, and you might think it’s a little much to memorize a full list of everything your significant other with ARFID can eat. But miscommunication is the easiest way to make a mistake. Avoid that by just asking what you want to know. "Can you eat ____?" "Do you want me to offer you foods, or would you rather I not if you don’t ask?" "Can I get something for you? Do you want me to swing you somewhere else after?" It’s much easier to ask than for the both of you to suffer because neither thought to bring up the edible-phant in the room.

Why yes, I DO think I'm hilarious.