For the majority of my life, I cared a little too much about what other people thought.

I was a 6 year old who ran around the yard in Lion King shorts pretending to be an Olympic mountain climber, not caring about the trifling opinions of others.

Unluckily for me, and if we’re being honest, most of us, that didn’t last. The Lion King ensemble went in the trash, along with my confidence and openness, as soon as I hit the eighth grade.

From there, it was downhill.

I looked from guy to guy to try and make me see myself as beautiful and smart and worthy. Continuous heartbreaks and horrid mistakes were made, more times than I could count. I hit rock bottom at the end of a relationship that made love a tourniquet for his insecurities.

Not once did any of these men I dated, who all professed to be Christians, try to lead me to Christ. They never once loved me like Christ loves the church. They didn't find me worthy in spite of my imperfections. None of them would have humbled themselves enough to wash my feet. And to lead me to the foot of the cross daily would have been much more of a sacrifice than they had bargained for.

I was at an all time low, wondering why I wasn’t good enough to deserve a love that lifted up instead of burned down. I prayed that God would give me wisdom and to just fix me.

And he did.

Over the course of two and a half years, I couldn’t find a single man who was what God intended for me. But it was something else God did that made the biggest difference. That wisdom carried over and I was finally able to look inside myself.

Slowly, I began to see myself in a new way.

Knowing that first of all, I was a giant mess.

I had never, up until that point, stopped to look at myself and see what was really going on inside. I was broken, hurting, emotionally unavailable and I felt so small. So, I turned to God, realizing that he’s the only one who has ever and will ever fully love me because of who I am.

I spent two years working on myself. Becoming more of who I wanted to be instead of who I needed to be to land a boyfriend. I embraced my nerdy side as I watched hours and hours of Doctor Who. I wore the clothes that made me feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. I laughed out loud at my own jokes, even if no one else did. I focused on Christ, his sacrifice and his love, for the fist time in my life. And I learned what it meant to submit my life to the Lord.

Did I fail at these things sometimes? Heck. Yes. But more often than not, at the end of the day, I was happy with who I was becoming.

Now, three years later, I’m getting better and better at loving myself. There are still days where I feel uncertain and want to hide in my room. I will never be perfect at this. That isn’t the point. The point is to, everyday, wake up and realize I am worthy of happiness and care and love.

And now, I have a boyfriend.

He’s wonderful, caring, selfless and loving. He is the answer to years of prayers and preparation. Is he perfect? No. But he tries his best to love me the way God intended and I can see that in every hand-hold and “you are beautiful” that comes from him. We can’t wait to spend our lives serving God and loving people together.

I know that he loves me in spite of my imperfections. I know that, though I would never ask him to, he would kneel and wash my feet to show servanthood. I know that he not only tries desperately to lead me to the cross, but he carry his own cross as we make the journey together.

The point of this isn’t to say that I waited and finally got a boyfriend to fill that void. It’s to say that I waited until that void was filled. God came in and took care of that. He prepared me to love myself so I would be able to love somebody else.

I used to live my life like the only thing that mattered was being in a relationship. Now I know that it’s not.

Shouldn’t that be what life is all the time? Not worrying about what the opposite sex thinks about your personality, but rather closing your eyes, enjoying the moment and waiting for the RIGHT guy to notice your personality. For all that it is.

Life is so much more than a hunt for a spouse. Life is a hunt for hobbies, pet peeves, traits and preferences. Life is about you having fun and living, until the right person comes along to join in that with you. Did you get that? Not, change your perception of everything and make you follow him around like a puppy. JOIN. Join you in the life that you have already established for yourself. Join you despite the fact that you’re both imperfect. Join in with you on your love of who you are already.

I wouldn't be who I am now without understanding that I wasn't in perfect condition.

Let yourself be a giant mess. And then get up, dust yourself off and get to work.

You are more than you're allowing yourself to be.