There are days that the darkness overshadows the light in my head, The darkness in my mind has always been there, it's a struggle that I battle every day. I have been battling the darkness for as long as I can remember, I can't remember a time that I was truly happy.

I should be able to say I had a happy childhood, in every sense of the word I did, but I was never happy. There was always something nagging in my head that made it hard to feel anything but dark. My mom was always in my corner, she struggled to find me help.

Early in my teens, I was struggling, suicide was always in the back of my mind. I have a lot of memories of my mom taking me to the doctor and stressing to him that something wasn't right. I was unhappy, volatile and angry over things that I shouldn't be angry about. I suffered from migraines from an early age, I either didn't sleep at all or too much. I didn't want to go to school, I preferred my own company. I was very protective of my self never feeling worthy of anyone.

I had my first boyfriend at 16 years old, that was a hard age, to be serious about someone. He took advantage of my self-esteem issues, making me feel unworthy of his time and feelings. I chose to have a sexual relationship with him to keep him from leaving me, I wanted to be loved, so he used every manipulative tactic that he could to keep having sex with me.At one point in our relationship, he openly cheated on me and told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. So I insecurely sat at home while he went out on a date with another girl. I can remember thinking what have I done to make him stop loving me.He decided he wanted to stay with me, I am not sure if it was me or that if he enjoyed being in control of the relationship. Then, one night we were arguing and he pinned me down on the bed with his hand around my throat and proceeded to rape me. I wish I could say that I broke up with him but of course, I figured I deserved this treatment. We stayed together for 6 more months before on one of my highs I decided it was over.

I want to say I made better choices with activities but I didn't, my senior year of high school I drank a lot, skipped school, would randomly get in cars with guys I knew very little about. I didn't think about the future I thought about feeling better, doing things brought me some happiness. I was sexually selective but I enjoyed being wanted by different guys. Being wanted must mean I am special right?

I graduated from high school and went to work in the family company, that added a whole lot of pressure to me. I already had people prejudging me because I was the boss's kid, but I also was partying a lot. I would go to work, get off at 5, go home and sleep till 10 and get up and go out. I live in a small town so it was easy to find a place to hang out and drink. I had developed a relationship with different groups of people who would have parties at different times during the week. There were times I would go in to work at 8 am and hadn't been to bed, but I did enjoy my job even with the added pressure of who I was.

During this time was my first experience in spending money, buying clothes made me feel good. I had a good job and credit companies would send me a card with high credit limits. This was also the time I began dating a guy who would eventually become my husband. He was a blessing because he liked being able to do things on his own and it made it easier to hide the credit card addiction. I put him through the ringer, my moods were up and down, happy than angry, throwing things than crying. But he just rolled with it, which at the time I loved because he didn't look too deep into me or my feelings. We were married on July 10, 1993.

I was able to keep credit cards at bay because I had a really good job. My husband and I kept separate accounts but had a joint account to pay our bills. Even during this time, my moods were up and down but the fact that we lived different lives helped in hiding how unhappy I was, not with him but with me. In 1995, I became pregnant with my son, he was the best thing I ever did up until that point. But unfortunately my descent into unhappiness continued and when our son was 18 months old I told my husband I was done and wanted him to leave. He left and I thought that would bring me happiness, but again that was short lived. I loved him and wanted to make out marriage work so we started counseling, through this process the therapist recommended that I speak with my family doctor about taking an antidepressant. I discussed things with my doctor and was prescribed a medication. My husband and I worked through our problems but there was still a lot of the time I was either with my son or my mom and my son, my husband still did things without me.

The antidepressant took a lot of the edge off I could put my issues in boxes in my head but there was still a lot of unhappiness with myself or with my relationship. I still hid my spending issues but at the time I was still making good money but that all changes in June 1998. My family's company was forced into bankruptcy and that caused a huge financial burden to me and my husband. I chose to stay with my family's company to assist in the bankruptcy case. During this time period, the dosage of my medicine was increased because of the stress and my mom noticed a change in my moods. So after discussing it with my doctor, the dosage was increased.

During the period of 1998-2000, we were trying to have another child, I suffered 2 miscarriages during this time, which added to my depression. My husband wasn't one who handled emotions very well, so I was left to handle all my feelings of loss. I was also helping my family through the bankruptcy of the company, I was dealing with two miscarriages, and I was still using money as a crutch to make me feel better.

It was determined that I could no longer carry a pregnancy past 5 weeks because I no longer produced progesterone. It was also determined that I wasn't ovulated anymore, so to continue trying to get pregnant I was placed on fertility treatment. I continued to travel this journey on my own, yes my husband wanted another child but he was not equipped to handle the emotional upheaval that I caused.The fertility treatment messed with my depression and after two rounds I decided that I couldn't handle the emotions so I decided if I didn't get pregnant this round then we would only have our son. I was blessed because I got pregnant, I was excited but terrified. Because I was considered high risk I received progesterone treatment and weekly check-ups until I was 12 weeks along.

My daughter was born November 2001, she was such a blessing. I would love to say that my happiness within myself was finally there, but it wasn't. I was drowning in about $20,000 in debt. I hid this from my husband, but with some assistance, I was able to solve the problem. I should have been happy, and I was at different points throughout my life, but it never lasted long.

My relationship with my mom is a double edge sword, she was always there for me and saw me struggle with my depression and she was the one who could keep me in check with my mood swings. My husband wasn't capable of doing this, he just wasn't equipped to handle the emotional roller coaster that I was on. My mom has given up a lot for me and for that I will be forever grateful, I don't know if she realizes how much I appreciate her because I am an emotional mess.

I would like to be able to say that I didn't mount any more debt, which is not true, I unfortunately incurred an additional $20,000, during this period, I also had an increase in my medication. I just couldn't figure out what is wrong with me. This time my husband figured out about the debt and he was angry, my mom had moved to Iowa and I was alone. My husband and I began counseling again, there was an accusation of me having an affair, and I had felt abandoned. My mom had moved and my husband knew how hard this was for me and he even admitted that he didn't help during this period. I was sent to a psychiatrist who based on my history of depression it was determined that I suffered from Bipolar 2, an additional medicine was added to my current medication. The agreement was that my husband needed to become vigilant with my behavior and to contact the doctor with any of his concerns.

I don't want to say negative things about my husband because he is a good person, he just isn't equipped to handle my depression. It's been 5 years since the Bipolar 2 diagnosis and I still battle demons every day, I have again incurred a large amount of debt. My husband is aware of this and has even stated that he knew it was happening but was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been alone dealing with my descent into darkness, our son's recent depression diagnoses, raising our daughter, working and attending school. Being left alone is not good for me, I am currently trying to crawl my way out of debt again, I feel that I have been left to pick up and sort out all the pieces of this life that we created together.

I am back into therapy, an increase of medication, and recently had an open discussion with my husband. He is a good man and a great father but where we go from here I am not sure. I need to someone to have my back and to keep me in check.