As I walked into my dorm room for the first time in a month and began unpacking my belongings, I started to think about how radically different I am when I am at home as opposed to how I am at school. I felt like I was living a double life.
While moving to New York City from my hometown of New Rochelle was overwhelming at first, I adjusted to fit my surroundings. I learned to be self-sufficient by living alone for the first time. There was nobody to question or nag me and I was responsible for making sure I did everything I had to do such as going grocery shopping, cleaning my room, and getting to my classes on time.
I realize that I am still very far from being considered a functioning adult as I still have yet to cook anything in college and I still often stuff my garbage in my permanently empty refrigerator instead of taking it out. But because of my inability to rely on someone like a parent or friend to do things for me, I had to push myself past my comfort zone. I recognize that I have grown, albeit in my own somewhat stunted way.
In high school, I had a very close group of friends, a “squad” that would make Taylor Swift jealous. Because I had such wonderful friends to depend on, I never really went out of my way to be very friendly to strangers. I was generally very reserved and awkward around people I didn’t know, but I was able to be myself around my best friends and that was all that mattered to me.
In college, however, I quickly realized that I had to push myself to be social and friendly since my friends from home were hundreds of miles away. In my first semester I was able to cultivate amazing friendships by reaching out and introducing myself to new people. I was no longer known for being “shy” or “quiet” because I needed to be outgoing in order to make friends. By pushing myself to make new friends I became much more confident with showing strangers my genuine personality.
College, has also made me very comfortable with being alone. While I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert, I used to feel very insecure when I wasn’t surrounded by my group of friends. The thought of walking to the local Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee by myself was absolutely unthinkable for me. What if I saw someone I knew? Interacting with another human without support terrified me. If a friend wasn’t available to go somewhere with me I simply wouldn’t go for fear of being seen alone.
In college however, I spend a lot of time alone. I’ve learned that the silence of my single dorm room can be comforting, not pathetic. Instead of feeling insecure or embarrassed, I began to feel free and independent while running errands by myself. In New York City, I felt invisible in the best way. I realized that people on the street weren’t looking at my messy hair or judging my outfit because they simple didn’t care and that made me feel liberated. Basically, college has made me comfortable with being a dirty hermit.
In late December, I came home to New Rochelle as a new person. I had a fresh tattoo of a comma on my wrist (a visible and arguably regrettable symbol of autonomy), a strengthened sense of self-confidence, and expectations of continued freedom.
However, it did not take long for me to abandon my new persona once I started to experience limitations on my freedom that I was not accustomed to. I had to tell my parents where I was going and when I was coming home, and I had to rely on people for rides since I wasn’t able to walk everywhere I needed to go anymore. Not having a license is a badge of honor in the city,
while it’s just embarrassing in the suburbs. I got to reunite with my best friends from home and began to once again spend every minute of free time I had seeing them. I stopped going places alone because I had no need to. I felt safe, happy, and comfortable, surrounded by family and friends I knew I could rely on.
Toward the end of the break, I started getting nervous about going back to my dorm. I knew that going back to college would mean talking to new people in my new classes, having to navigate a city I wasn’t completely comfortable with and readjusting to the energy of the city. I began to panic as I saw my best friends leaving to go back to their schools. I felt that I had reverted to my old ways of relying on others, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to regain the self-sufficiency that I had somehow gained in my first semester.
Since moving back, I’ve realized that my fears were baseless. While I loved spending time with my friends and family at home, I am enjoying my independence in the city. I’ve realized that I’m not as alone as I was worried I’d be, as I have a group of friends here that I trust and know I can fall back on. I know that college and this city can teach me a lot more about myself, my relationships, and how I want to live my life.
In many ways, my life in New Rochelle is very different from my life in the city. While New Rochelle provides me with the security I felt as a child, the city represents adventure, adulthood, and opportunity. I look forward to moving forward with my future in the city while never forgetting the serenity of my hometown.
