I like to keep busy. Staying idle is a hard thing for me to do. Don't get me wrong -- I can relax and take a day or so off and relish in it as much as the next girl. Let me lounge aimlessly by the pool or stay in bed, eating pizza and watching Game of Thrones. But after a couple of days of nothing, I grow restless. Fidgety. I desire purpose. I'm driven to have drive.
I crave activity. Let me stay in bed one day but let me go find adventure the next. Let me drive to Austin or go hiking or redecorate my entire room. I like projects; they keep me engaged and entertain my mind. Let me go to work or class. I love learning new things, feeling as if I'm being productive, attributing to something greater than myself.
But perhaps I like these things too much.
Perhaps I lack a balance between all the things I want to do and all the things I can realistically do.
Because, more often than not, I find myself too busy, making me too forgetful, meaning things slip through the cracks.
And then, with too many things going on around me, I find that I'm never able to properly commit myself to everything that I'm doing. I feel like I'm only giving the bare minimum to each organization rather than the full 100% that they deserve.
I forget about donation drives, I double schedule work and meetings, I don't text my friends back for a solid three to five business days, if at all.
Essentially, I'm spreading myself too thin.
This has been a conflict for me since high school, and I've always questioned how to handle it. Because no matter how much I try, not even the most industrial of planners can keep everything straight in my chaotic, ADHD inflicted mind. So do I bow down from certain organizations that I still love and have passion for? Or do I just stick with it until I figure out how to maintain a good balance until I find focus?
I don't want to have to give up things I love, but I don't want to be known for giving only a subpar effort. If I'm going to participate in something, I'm going to be an active member, not a member on the bench.
Maybe one day I'll find a good balance. Find the resting point where I'm being stretched from east to west, but not too hard, creating a nice stretch, like yoga.
But, until then, I'll keep kicking my legs like hell to keep from drowning in the water. Because while I realize that the smart thing is to give up things, even if I love them, and to start small, gradually adding more responsibility, I know myself and that's not my nature. Because as much as I enjoy the day or two off, I get fidgety after a while. I require my world to go 100 miles a minute because that's how my mind works. Without it, I wouldn't be kicking to stay above the water. I'd drown in the stillness.
