Some of us take off for college, or whatever the next step may be, expecting and hoping for a completely fresh start. We think that we can do what I attempted: leave who we had always been neatly folded in a pile on our bed so that we could start from scratch in our new lives. College Hannah vs. Home Hannah. Real-world Hannah vs. Childhood Hannah. I packaged up every bad memory, every wave of tears, all the pain and struggle I had experienced in the past years, and put it in the “do not take” pile.
I left home running away from the self that I had grown comfortable with. I knew who I was at home, and I was ready to discover something more. I knew that there was a lot left to uncover. More than that, I was ashamed of the brokenness that lay within, and I wanted to erase that part of me. I wanted a completely fresh start, to build a barrier up between who I was at home and who I “really was.” My high school self had no right to follow me to college, or so I thought, and surely it would be easy enough to box up who I had been for the last eighteen years and leave it behind.
When you realize that your baggage has followed you (and it will follow you, believe me), it can cause a lot of confusion. Here you are trying to form an entire new life, and your old one comes creeping in, reminding you that, actually, it’s not just a box of old items; it’s a part of you, and you can’t just pack and seal up your past. Your past will tap you on the shoulder, linger just behind you, and eventually force its way back into your heart. Let it.
Let your past back in. In fact, don’t just begrudgingly open the door for it, but welcome your baggage back to you with open arms. Those trials and that struggle and heartbreak that you experienced are worth something. Those experiences helped you to become the human you are today, which, by the way, will always be a self composed of both the past and the present. I promise you, trying to push away who you have been will only lead to frustration and confusion. Your past self deserves acknowledgment and preservation. After all, who you were is exactly what got you to where you are.
So go out and ‘reinvent’ yourself. Discover who you are, because none of us have that figured out yet (and really, will we ever?). Take risks, make changes, build up a new part of you, but don’t discard the parts that already exist. Love the newness of your present life, excitedly anticipate your future self, but give appreciation to the you who has made it this far. Stop running from your past and instead pick up its baggage, linking arms as the two of you walk towards the future together. Let your past self serve as a testament to what you have overcome and the strength that lies within you. Be proud of the heartbreak and failure and exhaustion that led to this day.
Love the you of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
