WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW.
Ahhh, the smell of freshly cut roses and bad puns awaken every woman in America as we all become glued to the television following the return of the Bachelorette. This season, we follow JoJo (not the pop-singer, while that would be entertaining), the heartbroken runner-up from the last season of the Bachelor. But now it is her turn to find love among 26 of some of the most interesting contestants in franchise history.
If this is your first season, welcome. Here's a piece of advice; you can start watching by taking everything with a grain of salt, but you will become oddly and embarrassingly obsessed with this show and all that happens on it. It is reality television and sadly it is awesome to watch unfold. Enjoy it. If this is your second, third, twentieth season, it's great to be back.
My favorite episodes ever are always the first episodes where we get to meet the eligible bachelors and this season they did not disappoint in entertainment value at all. Grand gestures and props have always been used in past season, but this season definitely is up there in outrageous costumes and gestures. We have Nick B., otherwise known as "Saint Nick" from "the North Pole," (We're not kidding that was literally his title) walking around the mansion yelling from his jolly belly "Jo-jo-jo." I cannot make this shit up. Others took a more direct approach to making themselves look like fools in hopes of it looking cute, including Sal who handed JoJo two stress balls and gave her permission to "squeeze his balls." Again, these are real people who are actively doing these things on national television. Amazing.
The first episode continued on like all first episodes do in descending order from the men who you definitely know will be on the show for a while based on their interview times (aka Jordan and Robby), to the awkward conversations (or fortune tellers... cough cough Will) and the guys who black out and end up in the pool (Daniel... or should I say "Daaaamn Daniel")
If you take away anything from week one, it's that:
-Jordan received first impression rose (duh) and snuck in that first kiss. Definite contender
-Best job titles of the bachelors: "Hipster," "Canadian," and "Erectile Dysfunction Specialist"
-Said erectile dysfunction specialist (see above) made way too many genitalia puns for one episode, or even for the season
-CHAD IS BAD NEWS. VERY BAD NEWS. He's like that guy at the bar who approaches you aggressively and "already knows he's getting the rose," if you know what I mean. We all know both JoJo and the producers are going to keep him on for as long as possible
-One of our own (a literal "Bachelor Superfan") has made it to week two. He literally has watch parties for the Bachelor. Interesting
-If you ever thought women were critical of each other, wait until you give men a bunch of free alcohol and one girl to try and get with. They are brutal
-The Chinese/Scottish contestant literally told JoJo he had a fire crotch from the kilt down. Can't get better than that
-Jake the Pilot, a.k.a. Jake Pavelka, (from a few seasons back who royally screwed up every season of the franchise he'd been on) is apparently "close family friends" with JoJo and tried Jedi-mind tricking us all into thinking he was going to weasel his way into a third season. When in reality, he just wished JoJo the best of luck. Nice try, pilot
If you have way too much time on your hands and a group of friends who invest way too much time in reality television, get your Bachelorette bracket started, because Fantasy Football really just isn't as interesting: http://www.desireehartsock.com/the-bachelorette-bracket-for-jojo/#
Stay tuned for my week two update, and keep your clothes on till next week
