On March 14th, millions of people will tune in for the finale episode of the 19th season of “The Bachelor.” I will not be one of these people. Now don’t get me wrong—I love some good trash television. Over half of the things I say are direct Tiffany New York Pollard quotes. So when my friends expressed excitement over a new season of “The Bachelor,” I was eager to develop a new addiction. I had never watched an entire episode before and I enjoyed my first couple of Monday wine nights hosted by Chris Harrison. But then things got uncomfortable.

Women were leaving the show because of drinking problems or shaky race relations or their fat toes(?). I decided not to finish the season. But that does not mean that I don’t respect all of the devoted "Bachelor" fans. I can understand how waiting a week for the finale may feel like an eternity. So I have decided to recap the entire episode to satisfy all of the hungry viewers out there. Yes, I stopped watching around episode three and have not actually seen the finale. But I feel like I got a real sense of how things work and where the season was going. So let's get started—I've got a really good feeling about this!

All right, so before the finale starts there's a special reunion episode called “The Women Tell All.” All of the rejected/dejected bachelorettes gather for an hour to recount their Bachelor experience. It’s called the “tell all” because the women translate the drunken and slurred mouth garbage they produced on the show in an attempt to tell the viewers all of the things they actually said. The highlight of the reunion is when they reveal whether host Chris Harrison or bachelor Ben Higgins is the father of Zoe P.’s unborn child. Spoiler Alert: It’s actually Camera Operator #4.

After the tell-all ends, the women are shipped off to Fort Pierce, Florida where they compete in “Bachelor in Paradise.” This is a “Lord of the Flies” meets “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” hybrid where former contestants battle to the death. The winner gets to be a bridesmaid in the winning Bachelorette's wedding and I’m pretty sure the losers are fed to man-eating pigs?

Once the reunion ends, the seven-and-a-half-hour-long finale begins. The episode picks up in the middle of the hometown visits. These dates allow Ben to meet the contestants' parents, solidify the dowries, and convert his future wife’s childhood bedroom into a personal gym. Unfortunately, Lauren T.’s hometown visit ends in tragedy after her dad refuses to invest in a significant amount of Ben’s software units. Or something. Like what the hell does a software rep even do?

When the episode hits the three-hour mark, the final bachelorettes are invited to the Fantasy Suite. On this date, Ben sits the women down on the pull-out couch of a local DoubleTree’s Falcon Suite. He proceeds to give them “the talk”—that is explain the "birds" and the "bees." After the bachelorettes learn what sex is and have all of their questions answered by Ben, the cameras turn off and I guess this happens…

Sadly, Adele Dazeem (the 24-year-old bathroom attendant/horse girl from Kansas) is asked to leave the competition. Her Fantasy Suite rendition of the Cupid Shuffle is just no match for Katie Z. or Ashley X’s. The remaining two Bachelorettes move on to the final date where they meet the cast of “The Muppets: On Ice!” at a Men’s Warehouse to plan their dream wedding. After competing in a calzone eating contest, held in the employee break room, Ben says goodnight to the girls and Katie Z. (the 19-year-old charter school lunch lady from Nebraska —who happens to be violently lactose-intolerant) is airlifted to a hospital.

Katie Z. makes a speedy recover and is ready to hear Ben’s big decision the next day. The proposal takes place on the diving board of a YMCA pool with Chris Harrison providing commentary from the kiddie shallow part. In the end Ashley X. accepts Ben's prenup proposal thus making Bachelor history. Ashley X. is the first woman of color to actually win “The Bachelor.” That’s right folks, the 22-year-old Chiquita Banana Impersonator from Alabama happens to be 1/80th Cherokee Native American. So all is well, and maybe my "Bachelor" boycott was premature.

Either way, there’s the finale recap for you. Feel free to watch the actual episode or not. Or maybe institute a new drinking game with your friends. Watch the finale and anytime I predict something right, take a drink! Prepare to get wasted. So no matter what you choose to do, you’re welcome.