“You’re so awkward”
“Why are you so uncomfortable?”
“Don’t be so sensitive”
What were intended as harmless jokes, or questions, will feel like nothing other than pain, humility, and self-disappointment. The words that may have been followed by a laugh or by confusion as to why the way I was acting this way also confused me into why I was being viewed as something other than a positive adjective. At the time, and still at times, I didn’t realize that feeling uncomfortable was normal and that a lot of people feel this way. Why was my uncomfortable showing? Why was my awkwardness being laughed at, and my natural mannerisms that I didn’t used to question, now being questioned? We all I’ve in the same society, and are growing up under the pressures of social media and being molded to portray our lives to others in a certain way to benefit our status.
Anyone with anxiety, and even without, will probably understand the feeling when one small thing doesn’t feel right it can throw off an entire day. Maybe it’s was something someone said, a tone of voice, something you said that you feel wasn’t right. When all of a sudden it's as if you’re breathing through a plastic straw, and there is nowhere else to go, nothing to do that can fix it. Even in the comfort of your own bedroom, or home, it’s as if you’re slowly sinking into sand and nothing can pull you out. The more you struggle, the harder it gets. This could all be over the time span of hours, or even 10 minutes, but that doesn’t matter.
Not being comfortable, in situations that are normal, is an awful feeling. The avoidance of eye contact, the lack in response in fear of saying something that will be criticized, the feeling that you need to act a certain way for others to approve of you, when its difficult enough for you to approve of yourself, it won't ever be forgotten. It is something that has to be fought constantly, and gets even worse when thrown into new situations. So, what does one do?
What do you do when now, every time you feel passionate about an opinion or disagreement, you don’t want to be told that you’re “too sensitive.” What do you do, when you don’t know how to respond to a question, so you look away instead, or laugh, or start humming, and then get told “That was so awkward.” What do you do, when a new situation arises, and maybe its an activity that is praised, that is looked at as something normal to do, or cool, and you don’t want to. or you hesitate and in fear you aren’t good at something, and then, you feel uncomfortable. You compress, stop talking, stop moving, you’re frozen on the inside, you’re stuck. And now you are truly uncomfortable and asked why. And then you don’t know why you’re uncomfortable. This rambling nonsense to many, is perfect English to others.
Well, here’s some news. I am awkward. I am sensitive. I am uncomfortable. I don’t want to be, but I am. Avoiding these situations will only make the unavoidable encounters that much worse. Thank you to the people who have made me comfortable, when I’m not. That have respected my emotions, my sensitivities and not pitied me for it. That haven’t made me feel as if something that they though was awkward, also thought made me unique, and didn’t separate this. What is normal?
I am me and I am enough, the only person that needs to be pleased with who I am. You can think I’m uncomfortable, awkward or too sensitive. A few words may be miniscule in the grand scheme of things, but seem monstrous when you’re the one affected by them and have to convince yourself that these aren’t the things that define you. I’ll take my flaws and abnormalities any day over constantly trying to conform.
