Do you often find yourself playing with your fingers, shaking your leg, staring into space, tripping over your own feet, laughing at the wrong time, rarely making eye contact, babbling on and knowing that you’re doing these things but unable to stop yourself? I do. I have lived my entire life knowing that I’m different; eccentric, weird, unique, awkward, and for a long time I felt even more awkward than I do now.
You would often find me walking down the sidewalk in my chucks, with a hoodie covering my head, headphones pulsing into my eardrums, and bangs falling in my eyes. I have not ever fit into a box; I was never one of those girls who knew just what to say or how to carry herself in a way that would be deemed “hot”. I have always just been me, and you can’t be anyone else; no matter how uncomfortable being you feels at times.
The thing I’ve learned, though, is that we are all different for a reason. Yes, flirting for me was asking a guy whether or not he liked salt and vinegar chips or watched The Office. My go-to way to talk to somebody I liked was, “hey, do you wanna play 21 questions..?” When I met new people they thought I was either shy, rude, or super miserable. I was at times all of these things, I suppose, but mostly I just didn’t know how to converse without stumbling over more stupid words.
What if they’d never heard of my favorite band or book (usually they hadn’t), or what if my rambling about my love for writing and my dramatic stories about my life were overbearing (at times they were). I shared too much information many times, trusted people who were obvious snakes to any “normal” person, I put my foot in my mouth by insulting someone without any intention to do so on more than one occasion. Most people didn’t “get” my sense of humor; is joking about yourself dying and telling deadbeat dad jokes really not hilarious to many people?
I’m the girl who takes half an hour to tell a story that would take someone else five minutes to share. I always involve way too much detail, and perhaps sometimes that makes people feel awkward; because I’m awkward. Sometimes I don’t know what to say when other girls are talking about shoes or guys or annoying parents; other times I have way too much input on the exact same subjects: “Well, uhh, my dad is dead. And the love of my life died, too.” Or, “I wish I could buy more shoes, but I’m poor. I don’t wear heels, though, I just want like 15 pairs of converse in different colors, and maybe some combat boots.” Insert awkward pause there. They talk about blonde highlights at the salon and I mention purple hair dye from a box. I don’t fit the mold.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to embrace these idiosyncrasies a lot more. I don’t want to be like every other young woman. So what if I bought my jeans for $5 at a consignment shop and my eyeliner at the dollar store? I can’t afford brand new American Eagle jeans and Sephora makeup; my stuff seems to work alright. So what if I don’t know what to say during that awkward pause on a first date; it proves he’s not the one for me, because there’s never an awkward pause with the right people. If I feel like screaming a song at the top of my lungs while dancing in the car like crazy, wearing sunglasses at sunset, so be it; this is the way I was shaped to be.
If I’m interested in serial killers more than I’m interested in shopping, or I’d prefer to go to the bookstore and smell that scent of brand new books than I’d like to get my nails done, who really cares? That’s what makes up the entire essence of me.
I know that when you’re younger and girls are cruel, you feel like you can’t be you and yet you can’t NOT be you, and it feels like the end of the world. What I need to tell you is that when you are out of high school and become a woman, your oddities become something beautiful. Men begin to look at you as something very special, because you have this endearing charm that other women do not possess. Your eccentricity attracts just the right friendships, because you find yourself a group of friends who also wonder things like whether you like sour gummy worms, diet coke, pleather jackets and hippie headbands. They laugh at your dark humor because they get it and you. They see what were once your flaws as unique and beautiful qualities.
There will always be those people who won’t ever understand you. There will always be people who just won’t like you; you’re too hyper, too open mouthed, too passionate, too strange. The absolute wonder of this is that those people; they are not your people.
Who cares if they think you dress odd or that your music is too drastically emotional. You are awkward because you are so passionate and emotional, and these are amazing traits in a person.
What seems to be the best part of accepting your differences is that you learn that it’s okay to be yourself, it’s better than okay, it’s like the entire universe opens up before you. Everything you are is there at your fingertips just ready to burst and create art, books, music, friendship, love, and most of all, change.
It’s the most awkward of people who seem to bring the world the most change. Einstein, Mozart, Stephen King, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath; the list goes on… and the spectacular things they all accomplished are the sorts of things you and I were meant to accomplish.
My awkwardness makes me someone with power to use my rambling voice to share uncomfortable details of a story that will create the perfect novel. My depth and dramatization make for the type of friend or girlfriend who won’t ever lie to you; even if it’s to tell you that the dress doesn’t flatter you or the guy you’re dating and obsessed with is a total jerk.
I won’t sugarcoat, I won’t talk behind your back when I am blunt enough to feel free to say anything to your face. My sensitivity and empathic traits will make me cry with you and laugh with you; to feel the things you feel with you.
I may not be like a lot of people, I may sometimes say something I shouldn’t say and then apologize 27 times for it and annoy the hell out of you with it, I may ramble about something small that is very intense to me, I may jump into a lake in jeans, I may look and act a way that doesn’t suit your taste, but I love hard and I love honestly and deeply. I have a big heart, and the care that I will show to you will likely overshadow my shaky legs, difficulty looking into your eyes while I stumble over words, or my in depth discussions about junk food, any day.
