It wasn’t until after the day I got my visa approved that I could truly accept the fact that my dreams are indeed coming true and I am surely going to the U.S.A. for my undergraduate studies. The moment I heard the words “Congratulations, your visa has been approved!” I was ecstatic; I danced the victory dance I deserved because finally, finally, all my nights of university research, studying for SAT and IELTS, struggles of understanding the application process, fighting depression and anxiety over admission decisions, and all my hard works had paid off. It was time to start shopping, planning and packing for my flight.
Relatives kept visiting and asking me whether I will be able to live without my family, alone so many miles away from home. I answered “With pleasure!” The thought of being independent and to be able to study in the country like the U.S. was too exciting for me to start moping about the house thinking how much I will miss my family at that moment.
But as the day of the flight drew near, even I started to feel bad; the thought of leaving my parents and my 8 years younger sister, who was basically like my twin, was hard to contemplate. But I kept smiling and joking to keep my family happy even till the moment I was about to go into the airport, although most of my family was a crying mess by then (even the one’s who promised not to cry).
But after all the formalities were completed and I sat down alone waiting for the boarding call, the tears that I have been holding in for so long finally trickled down. I wiped them away while I called my parents to let them know that everything was fine and that I was just waiting for the boarding call. I could hear my mom’s voice straining as she struggled to control herself for my sake. After finishing the call, the fact that I was all alone for the first time in my life hit me like a huge hammer to the chest, and fear seemed to engulf me from every side. I’ve never been so scared in my life until that moment.
Every mile I passed, the heartache seemed to grow even more, and so did the fear. The thought of going to the country of my dreams didn’t seem exciting anymore. I have dreamt so many times of floating through a sea of clouds to the country of my dreams, but at that moment it only seemed to remind me of the growing distance from my loved ones. I can’t remember how many times I brushed away a stray tear, just because I didn’t like to cry in front of people. Everyone seemed to be in a bubble-wrapped world of their own with me floating away lost like a stray balloon in the sky.
After the tedious flight of over 22 hours from Bangladesh (my home country), I landed at JFK airport and I was received there by my uncle. The time came for me to call home to let them know that I reached safely. The moment my parents’ voice reached my ears, my chest seemed to clench around my aching heart, making it harder for me to breathe. I struggled to control my shaking voice and made the call as short as I possibly could so that my parents could not hear me break down completely after ending the call.
The first thing I noticed after the tedious drive to my uncle’s house in Pennsylvania was the unbearable silence. Even at night the city streets of Bangladesh was never quiet. The silence added fuel to the fire of loneliness to the point where it was just too hard to bear, and crying in the shower didn’t help.
When I moved into the dorm at Caldwell University and the orientation began, which was for three days followed by the welcome weekend, it kept me busy. There were total five of us from Bangladesh, and even though we were kept busy the whole day with various activities, homesickness hit the most of us during the night or the early hours of the morning when we realized that no one’s going to scream at us to wake up, or call us up for breakfast and dinner. I saw my friends breaking down around me, and then again picking themselves up and smiling and making conversations with various people. I couldn’t respect them more for being so strong, even though we each had our individual baggage to bear.
As for adapting into a different country, it is very hard being an international student and very cool at the same time. We got to go on a Liberty Cruise through the Hudson river, to see the Statue of Liberty; we went to watch the New York Mets game live in the stadium (although we understood nothing about baseball!); and met the amazing faculty and administrative officers who went out of their way to welcome us and help us with any problem that we had. But the hard part is when you see that homecoming weekend is coming up with sibling sleepover day while my sister is thousands of miles away. I can’t help feeling jealous of the residents who can go see their family every weekend. Another difficulty is fitting in and socializing, especially for a person who is as anti-social as I am.
But the best part of it all is perhaps having four other people who are going through the same thing as I am. Whether it is taking midnight walks together looking for stores down the street, or giggling up a storm in the cafeteria for no reason, or just having a shoulder to cry on when things get too overwhelming, I couldn’t have been more blessed for these amazing people in my life: Anika Sanjana, Prithy Adhikary, Shreyoshi Hossain and of course my awesome roommate Mehruz Shafana. Even when we are so far away from home, these people form the pillars of support that I can hold onto even when everything else seems bleak, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. Together we are all trying to make this place our home away from home and find our own way in this chaotic world.
