Disclaimer: Everything that you are about to read is purely sarcastic. Under no circumstances is this article supposed to be taken seriously, and if someone does take it seriously do not hesitate to take immediate action. No babies were harmed in the writing of this article.
(Also, in honor of my son, who inspired this article, I'm just going to use male pronouns. That being said, daughters are pretty awesome, too.)
New moms and dads, aren't you tired of having to take care of your baby all the time? Don't you wish that he could just take care of himself already? If the answer to those questions is yes, then this is the article for you. Never again will you have to suffer through changing dirty diapers or getting spit up on while burping your baby. Those things are not really necessary, and all you are doing is babying your child. You think there is no other way, but there is. You see, you just have to change your perspective. After all, if you change your perspective, you change your life. With that being said, what you need to do is set a bunch of unrealistic baby goals for your baby to meet. Here are some examples to get you started.
1. Expect your baby to be able to hold up his own head from the time he exits your womb. If your baby starts out his life thinking he can slack off developmentally, things will only get worse down the line. Therefore, you need to crack down and insist that he hold up his own weight....literally. Now, it might seem like your child is seriously unable to do this and that expecting this so early is unsafe, but you have to remember that is just something that uptight parents think because they are too afraid to let their child try. You don't want to be one of those parents, do you? I didn't think so. Let your child's head flop around. It is simply motivation for him to try harder to lift up his own head.
2. Expect your baby to start standing up around 2 weeks old. Sure, you can give him a week to warm up to the idea, but then you need to lay down the law. He needs to at least start trying to stand up at this time. Ideally, your child would have already started that during the first week of life, but some children are more scared than others to try new things. That is normal, and you should not be ashamed of your child for taking a week to get ready. However, if by the second week he is not at least standing up without help, something is wrong. If your child falls under this category, you should consider taking him to the doctor to see if his legs work. If they don't, you should consider a baby wheelchair. I'd recommend decorating it so your baby can still have some street cred.
3. Expect your baby to start talking by three weeks to a month. Now, you should make it clear to your child that you don't want to listen to his endless chatter quite yet, but that he should communicate his own needs. A baby's cry is such an annoying, tedious sound, and you as a parent should not have to put up with that any more than is absolutely necessary. If your child seems unwilling to start talking, perhaps sign language is the way to go. That is an acceptable alternative, although it can be a bit frustrating due to the fact that you would have to learn the signs as well. Just keep in mind that, if you have to teach your baby sign language, that he is learning a second language and that can come in handy later on in his life.
4. Expect your baby to eat baby food by 1.5 months. I would wait this long to introduce baby food simply because breast milk is so good for babies. (If you aren't breastfeeding, you can expect your baby to eat baby food by three weeks.) If you want to feed him both breast milk and baby food, that is totally your choice, but you really should introduce baby food at this time. It might seem like your baby is unable to eat baby food, and you might start to think that he is too young to eat it. Keep in mind that babies tend to be extremely lazy if given the chance, and they often try to challenge authority. You need to show your baby who's boss and demand that he eat the baby food. You will thank yourself later.
