Let me first start out by saying that it took a lot to write this down. After about a thousand panic attacks and a lot of hard thinking, I decided that not only would doing this bring me some peace but hopefully sharing my experiences could serve as a beacon of hope for other victims as well.
Now, I will not sugarcoat any of this for anyone. This is not some story about how I heroically overcame an attacker and managed to narrowly escape, only to become an inspiration for others. I am not trying to garner sympathy. I want to make sure people understand what goes through a person's head when they are being assaulted and for individuals to know that they are not only not alone, but that things will be okay.
I go to school in my hometown of Birmingham, Alabama. Not only do I take pride in UAB, but I take pride in where I come from. Birmingham is my heart and soul, and I cannot imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. It is a great city with great people, a hidden gem in the South. With that being said, it is not perfect, but I do not hate Birmingham for what happened to me. Like any other urban area, there are parts that are not too great, especially for a 5'4", 20-year-old female to walk around at night. But where I was is not one of those parts, or so I thought.
After studying at the library until about 1:15 AM, I decided it was time to call it a night. Normally when I'm out that late studying, too exhausted to drive twenty minutes back home, I just crash at my boyfriend's place right off campus. I already texted him to tell him that I was headed to his place, so everything was set. Due to the lack of parking spots around the front of his complex, I'm usually stuck parking in the back slightly down a hill. This was never a big deal to me; I had done it a million times, so I didn't think much of it.
After parking and walking up the hill, I turned a corner to go toward the entrance of the apartments. The building itself is old and huge, with a well-lit courtyard right outside of it. Like any other night, I walked through the small courtyard toward the door to the entrance when, without warning, two arms forcefully wrapped around me from behind; one around the upper section of my body, the other covering my mouth. Not knowing what was going on, for about half a second, I thought it was a joke. I thought to myself, "Who the hell is behind me doing this? It isn't very funny." About half a second later, I realized it was no joke.
Once I had my come-to-Jesus moment, I began to scream as if my life depended on it. The man continued to shake me, but as I screamed I began to go limp and slowly started falling to the ground. I tried to put all of my weight down toward the concrete so he couldn't get a good grip on me. After he started to lose hold of me, his hand came off my mouth and my scream echoed throughout the courtyard, so all of the building could hear me. He then let go of me, punched me in the head, and proceeded to run around the corner to escape. I continued to scream until I knew that he had fled the scene; I then ran inside to tell my boyfriend to call the police.
The police showed up to file the report, and the paramedics came to make sure my head was not too badly injured. My parents came to get me, a sorority sister arrived to check on me, and my boyfriend was escorted to his car in order to stay with a fraternity brother for the night. Everyone was helpful, loving, and kind. It made everything a lot easier to stomach: I had just been assaulted not even ten feet away from my boyfriend's apartment, somewhere I had walked by myself about a thousand times before.
This night changed everything, for some obvious reasons and for some not-so-obvious ones as well. Because of what happened, I have had panic attacks to the point of exhaustion. I cry at random times for reasons I cannot explain. I have horribly painful flashbacks, I get headaches, and I get extremely low. Nothing will ever return to the way it was. I cannot feel safe walking around my beautiful Birmingham alone anymore without the feeling of someone lurking behind me, waiting to attack. I cannot sleep in the dark anymore, for fear of not being completely aware of my surroundings. When I do sleep, I wake up about every hour to make sure I am still safe because I feel as if I will never be safe again. It is extremely difficult to be alone anymore, which is sad because I used to thoroughly enjoy the serenity of being by myself.
Despite all of this, I do believe that the things that have changed the most because of this are the relationships in my life. Even though I constantly have all of these thoughts running through my mind, I have realized how lucky I am to have the people in my life that help me through it.
I am the kind of person that has a hard time accepting help. I have had a hard time asking for it all my life, but the people who surround me make me feel like it is okay to reach out. In a weird way, this has all made me more appreciative of the friends and family I have in my life. No, I am not glad that it happened, but it has made me think about the fact that I am incredibly blessed to be around so many wonderful people who help me, even in my darkest times. I know that no matter what, I have my boyfriend, my family, my sorority sisters, and my friends to encourage me to move forward and give me the resources to do so. Most people don't have that, and for this, I am eternally grateful.
As I said before, I would like for this to serve as a piece of advice to hold on to for anyone who has had a similar experience. Always be aware of your surroundings. You never know what is around every corner, and it is absolutely necessary to take all safety precautions you can. Walk home with a friend to your dorm. Drive your friend to the door or have them drive you and make sure everyone gets inside safely before leaving. If you have to be by yourself, call someone while you are out walking so they know you are safe. Know the proper techniques to use when someone does try to attack you. And, most importantly, do not discount the importance of the people closest to you. When you feel lost, they are there to help you find your way. I could spend my entire life being angry at the man who assaulted me, but because of the love and support I receive from the ones closest to me, I don't feel like I have to.
