A little over three years ago, I landed in the United States to pursue higher education. I was excited, curious and completely unaware of what I was getting myself into. Like every other college, mine hands its new international students pamphlets and little handouts during orientation to make sure they have everything they need to survive the next four years. They prep you on everything from culture shock, classes and how not to violate your visa and get deported.

This is all well and good but it made me ask myself: Do colleges prepare domestic students to receive international students in the same way in that we are prepared to cope with this new environment? This also got me thinking about all the uncomfortable conversations I’ve had during my time in college and how it all could have been avoided. Don’t get me wrong; I love meeting new people from different places. I’ve been blessed with beautiful friendships during my time in the US. However, it still doesn’t totally make up for some of the less than ideal interactions I’ve had over and over again whenever someone realizes I’m not from here.

I don’t know exactly who to blame for these uncomfortable conversations and I won’t try to point fingers. That’s not what this article is about. It’s about everyday microaggressions that may seem harmless to some in an isolated incident but can be detrimental when it is a common reoccurrence. It’s also about other little things that may not qualify as microagressions but I feel like some of my interactions could do without.

To help remedy this problem, I’ve decided to unpack a few sample conversations that I’ve had to deal with over the years:

1. “I’m just so surprised by your English. It’s kind of like mine.”

This one of the most annoying and most common phrases that international students run into. It’s supposedly intended to be a compliment from the issuing party, but it really just comes off as a backhanded comment loaded with assumptions. You may think you’re handing out a compliment but what’s being received on the other end is this:

“Upon learning where you’re from, I made an assumption about you based on a preconceived notion I have about your country/continent of origin. I overlooked that half the world was once colonized and that a Eurocentric education system was forced on a lot of societies. I assumed that there’s no way someone from [insert country of origin] had the capacity to learn English at the same level as me. Because of all this, I feel like your command of the English language needs my validation because your 12 years of education, standardized test scores and admission into a great college doesn’t speak volumes as it is.”

2. “How’d you even get to college all the way over here?”

This one isn’t necessarily insulting but here’s why it may earn you some eye rolls. The answer to ‘how’ is kind of simple. I got on a plane and here I am. How did I get into college? Well, maybe, just maybe, I took standardized tests, wrote some bomb essays and sent in my application just like you did. The only real difference is that I didn’t have the time to visit every college campus I sent an app too. There’s almost a million international students in the US. In 2017, we’re not anything new. So why am I still having to answer this question like it’s not obvious?

3. The Pop Culture Conversation

“You’ve never watched _______?” [Repeats it five times for emphasis] “You don’t know who/what _______ is?” [Repeats ten times like no wasn’t the answer the first time]. I get how this one happens. Pop culture is mostly dominated by western culture but stop to consider that each place around the world has its own subculture. There are popular songs, shows, people and references that you don’t know about the same way I don’t know anything about that show you were obsessed with as a teenager. The fact that I have different experiences doesn’t make my narrative any less valid.

4. “Are you sure you should be buying that? You’re an international student”

This one is a real headache. I’m not even gonna try to pretend I have any tolerance or patience for these kinds of comments so I’m gonna be brutal about calling this one out. In general, you shouldn’t be making any assumptions about people’s finances. Period. Quite frankly, someone’s else’s income isn’t any of your business. Finances should be private for the most part. It gets worse when someone implies that you can’t afford something with little or no knowledge of what the inside of your bank account looks like.

I know what some of you may be thinking: “I don’t think this one applies to all international students”. You’re right. It doesn’t. The truth is that you’re more likely to be treated to this microaggression if you’re black or a PoC in general. It’s birthed from this narrative that black people are either “ghetto” or “boujee” but never anything in between. We either have nothing at all or we have the kind of money drug dealers make. It’s just one of the many ways that black narratives are diluted, rewritten or even deleted without our permission. Also, some people never seem to have a problem with your spending if you’re blowing it on them (e.g. cocktails, groceries, the occasional birthday gift etc.)

5. “What’s it like in [insert name of general region/continent]?”

What it’s like in North America or the Americas in general? Did that question sound pointless to you? That’s because it is. It seems silly to assume a whole chunk of the planet has one homogenous culture, right? Good. Now that we’ve established that, you can stop asking me what it’s like in Africa. Obviously, I don’t originate from and have never lived in all 54 countries. Nothing beautiful comes out of clumping so many diverse cultures into a diluted narrative heavily laden with stereotypes.

6. “So I’m guessing you speak [insert made up language that incorporates name of country/continent]?”

Do you speak American? If you thought that question was silly, you should stop asking people if they speak Indian, Nigerian, Asian, African etc. None of those languages exist. Stop making assumptions about national or regional languages. Ask if you don’t know. It’s okay to admit you don’t know things. A better question would be “What language(s) do you speak?”

7. “You’re so exotic”

This is by FAR the worst thing ever. If someone says this to me, I’m probably planning how to avoid any future interactions with them. This is not a compliment to be fetishized, otherized or tokenized. I’m not exotic; I’m just exhausted from hearing that statement. You wouldn’t like it if you went to a new place and someone ogled at you the same way that they would an object that makes you go “Ohhh shiny.” Treats other the way you’d like to be treated.

Like I said, the list I wrote only contains a few samples. It doesn’t cover everything and I know everyone is unique. It also stretches beyond the experiences of international students and may cover what most foreigners or minorities have to deal with. Either way, we can all do better when it comes to interactions within diverse communities. My suggestion is to ask more open ended questions, put aside your assumptions, listen more, speak less, and be informed. The world is so beautiful. No place and no person are completely the same. There’s so many opportunities to learn and experience other cultures through the people that you meet. Seize the opportunity but try not to make the person on the other end feel burdened by being different than you.