I’ve known for a pretty long time that I wasn’t the same as the rest of my peers. It started in fifth grade when they told us that our bodies were going change and not to be worried. But then in middle school, we were told we would get urges and that it’s normal, but I didn’t feel a thing. My peers joked often about sex and I thought that was fine; I figured sex was just something that you had to do to have kids and besides that it was a joke to most people. Needless to say, when I found out people actually felt sexual attraction and some actually have sex for recreation, I thought I was broken.
How could everyone else feel this need, but I didn’t? I started to consider myself broken and wondered if I would stay broken forever. I went through a rough patch, I could see myself with someone in the future, just not with sex. I wanted the Disney romance of meeting someone, falling in love and exploring the world together. It scared me to not feel any real romantic attraction to anyone, except a select few. I kept looking for answers on the internet and kept to myself for a long time. Eventually, I found something that fit: asexuality.
There was a whole community of people just like me. I wasn't broken! There was some comfort involved in this discovery, I had found my place. But I still hesitated. I wondered if I could really be asexual; I refused to accept that I could be some deviant from the normal and tried to convince myself maybe if I only learned more about it or if I forced myself to think about it, my brain could rewire itself.
At the same time, I knew that it described me perfectly. After gaining some strength and self-acceptance, I knew that I could come out.
I first came out to my best friend. She helped me out through my roughest patches and she’s like my sister. She was very accepting and remains one of my most important supporters today. After coming out to her, I hesitated to come out to my parents. I wasn’t sure how they would react and if it would have any effect on how the rest of my family saw me. So, I didn’t tell them.
It wasn’t until I was comfortable coming out at school, a few years later, that I grew the strength to tell them. I was heading to college and knew that they should know everything before I headed off into the world. Luckily for me, my parents and family were very accepting. They even said that it wasn’t a surprise and that made me happier than anything in the world.
Even though I’m out now, I know that my struggles are far from over. I still struggle with self-acceptance and occasionally still question myself. With the acceptance of my family, my best friend, and the support of my fellow aces, I find acceptance in myself. This allows me to reach out into the world and be an activist for asexuals. No one deserves to feel like they’re broken and no one deserves to feel like they’ve been erased in society.
