There is a welling up inside of you that first occurs when you are about to break. When you are on the verge it doesn’t take much to set it off. After the welling has started there is sharpness in your throat and your eyes become glossy. The tears start to form in the corners and trace the shape; from there they become too heavy and overflow from your eyes. Try as you might nothing can stop them. Once that first tear falls the crying can become violent quickly. Your body contracts and bounces, your chest contorts, and it is hard to catch your breath. The snot will start to roll down your chin and as gross as you know it is there is so much that you just have to let it go. It mixes with tears and gets in your mouth. The noises will come sooner or later. The loud wailing or the quiet whimper, maybe you blubber or howl. Having a pillow near always makes a break down more comforting. You can hug it, squeeze it, punch it, wipe your face on it, throw it, but regardless of what you do, it’s there.
After the breakdown there is the headache, that comes with a force. When you are empty and your eye ducts can no longer produce saltwater. The headache is sometimes a migraine. The lights need to be off and this is the time to sit in silence. You notice your stuffy nose, but it’s not one that you can blow into tissue. It’s uncomfortable and makes you sniffle. You lie on your back with your face towards the ceiling, but your eyes remain closed. Your breathing becomes less sporadic, in and out, slower and slower. You are calming.
The feeling after all of this is over is either one of relief or dry sadness, and there is always a possibility that the rips could return; awaken from the place you left them. But mostly there is a quiet, a peace that fills you. All of the pent up emotions have weakened and you can just lie. There is no need to move. You just stare; there is nothing on your mind. It is blank.
Everything becomes silent, your mind, your body, the room. It is time to sleep.
