"Home for the summer? Will you go back next semester?" "Still want to go to school?" "Are you staying at school?" "Are you going back?"

I heard all of these in the days and weeks after I returned home from my first year of out of state college. Even though I must have been asked this by friends, neighbors, coworkers, church elders, even my parents, it still surprised me every time. Was that even a question? Wasn't it sort of expected of me to go to school? I did like going to school. The main selling points were its proximity to family members and its out of state-ness. I wasn't that homesick. It would be a disgrace not to go back. Wouldn't it?

And yet. I was that homesick. I let my natural shyness get the best of me and I didn't call any of my family members the whole first year. I missed home every time I walked by a weird smelling tree and not a cactus, and every time I smelled mowed grass instead of creosote (the plant behind the wonderful smell after a desert rain). I really missed my parents and even my slightly crazed family dog. I missed the familiarity of my hometown. It was hard to watch my roommates go home for a weekend and stay behind. But until people started asking me these questions, I still thought it would be wimpy of me if I left after a year.

However, I started asking people why this question kept coming up, and I got a surprising answer. A lot of people do try out of state schools, and find being so far away too difficult. It's not entirely that uncommon. Almost everyone I talked to knew someone that had started out of state and moved back to an in state college. It's hard to spend so much time so far away, and it's hard to be in an unfamiliar place, even more so I think if that part of the country is so different than your home town.

Interestingly, a couple days after finally asking someone why this question kept coming up, I saw an Instagram post of someone I knew who decided they would rather go back to the state school and announced they were transferring. I was sad that it didn't work out for them, but comforted that I was not the only one faced with this decision. Even my counselor told me that she switched from a school in California after her first year. It wasn't as far as some of the other places people went, she said, but it just didn't work out for her.

So, to answer the question, I am going back. It would be alright if I didn't though. I would miss the campus and my friends, but if I knew in my heart it wasn't where I wanted to be, then I could make that decision. It is still really hard to think about, and it's hard to pick between what I've known forever and something new. I'm just glad I know that I'm not alone in this struggle or this decision. It's not wrong or weak to take a semester off or move schools or change. It takes a different kind of strength to admit that something isn't working, and I'm glad I was able to understand that strength.