You’ve probably heard a lot about cliques over the course of your life. The first time I was introduced to a clique was in the third grade. There was a girl in my grade and everyone desired her friendship. The only problem was that she was in the popular clique. Eventually, I realized I had no chance of a close friendship with her and so, I eventually admitted defeat. I was frustrated about losing a chance of friendship with this girl, but none of this would matter by high school when the most cliques started to disintegrate or blend into each other.
After high school, most people guess that the idea of cliques subsides, but actually, I hear about cliques a lot. I work for a ministry in Ohio and help out in my church’s youth group, and we talk a lot about cliques in ministries and youth groups that drive people away and make them bitter. My youth pastor constantly tells our high schoolers to avoid the temptation to dwell in familiar friendships and cliques and instead, have a welcoming and accepting attitude towards new people.
What really sparked my research into what cliques are is a conversation I had with my mentor, who told me I was in a clique. When I heard the word, “clique,” I immediately got a bad taste in my mouth as if I sinned or did something wrong by having a close group of friends. This caused me to question: What really is a clique and is it really all that bad to stay in a clique?
A clique by definition is: a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.
Just from hearing that, you might get a bad taste in your mouth like I did, but I decided to look at more than just a definition. What I found, though is that we have given cliques a bad name when cliques can have benefits.
By associating with a group of people a person has common interests with, that person can gain a sense of identity and purpose from a good support system who is willing to push and exhort those within the group. Therefore, a clique can have benefits, and what I found also is that cliques are inevitable and unavoidable.
By definition, any friend-group I take part in is a clique—couples are cliques and any team I work with is also a clique. Most of these groups have to have some sort of exclusiveness to them and that exclusiveness is almost unavoidable. Couples usually have no intention of bringing in a third person to share the same romantic relationship with, friend-groups have to draw a line somewhere because the more people a person introduces into the group, the less intimate and vulnerable the group is with each other and team members bring those into the team who fit the criteria, and if a person fails to fit criteria then that person is obviously not a part of that group.
A truth I learned from my research and just from life experience as well is this: You just can’t be friends with everyone. I only have so much to give to people and if I try to interact with everyone as a friend, then I quickly deplete the resources I have and I eventually run dry. If I have to maintain a friendship with everyone then I must also learn to trust everyone. This means I have to take a lot of time and energy to build strong bonds with a lot of people, even untrustworthy people. Doing this is impossible, so good luck trying if you want to give that a shot.
Though I have no intentions of maintaining friendships with everyone, I still must love everyone, even those I have no close friendship with. The bad connotation people see from cliques is the attitude that those in the cliques have towards those on the outside. If a person is outside of a clique no one should stick their nose up to that person or shun them from every joining that clique. Instead, a clique should exhibit love towards those on the outside and have a willingness to welcome those from the outside, though from what I see those on the outside rarely find entrance into most cliques. People usually know what is best for them and their friends, and it is completely okay, I repeat, it is completely okay to choose to bring a person in or not bring a person into that group.
When I watch a lot of shows on television, especially those aimed towards teenagers, I see a lot of negativity towards the idea of cliques, but from my research, I actually see that cliques can have benefits and that no matter what we do, cliques are ultimately unavoidable. Jesus had a group of twelve who were closer to Him, a group of others who He knew intimately and an inner circle of three people total, but He knew how to love those well who were on the outside. So, let’s love people recklessly and unselfishly, but let’s also understand that having a group of friends you are close with is beneficial and completely acceptable.
