Dear Aiko,

I'm a little heartbroken. Okay, maybe not a little. I am heartbroken. I gave this girl two years of my life and she wants a break. A break? What the fuck, bro. Bet. Imma try and get her back though. We're supposed to be married by the end of my junior year. So I gotta make this work. I'll do whatever it takes, I'll buy her Christmas gifts and figure out some excuse to talk to her. But I kinda like you. I mean, I think I'm falling for you. You did help me on that Christmas comic book…

I remember that Facetime call. It hurt for me to see broken pieces of a heart in the pupils of your eyes. The life inside of you dried up and it was in that moment I knew that you did right by coming to a well that never runs dry… but eventually, it did. I did. But your eyes lit up as if coloring the insides of lines was able to make her heart line up with yours. I won't budge. I want you to be happy. I think I'm falling for you… like apples fall from trees.

Dear Aiko,

It's official, bro. We are done. I don't want anything to do with her. I mean I may say that now but I won't be able to get away from her. We still work together because of church. It still hurts though. I don't know how I'm gonna move on. I don't know how I'm going to heal from this hurt. I hope you don't think that I'm treating you like a rebound. You are one of the greatest friends I have ever had. Deadass. You're really helping me get through this. I know I keep bringing her up in every conversation we have but I think you need to understand that the pain is still there. I still need to figure out if I want you though. This is hard.

I loved you and you were not ready to be loved. I wanted you to know what love felt like in its purest form so I continued to shove. Spoonfuls of forceful affection, it was hard for you to continue eating. I tried to take the control that only God had to perform heart surgery on you, a patient wounding and bleeding. And without training, all I could do was put band-aid after band-aid but the pain still hurt. I chose an apple from the bottom of the tree without investigating the fruit first. I rushed the process and made it worse.

Dear Aiko,

Take this as you may, but I think I'm catchin feelings for you. Like, like, more than friends kind of feelings. Again take it as you may. I think you're the one for me.

Your heart. Your heart's not ready for my love just yet. I want you to be ready. Because when I love, I love hard.

Dear Aiko,

Chica!! I'm really happy you're finally my lady. Fair warning I might hurt you and be an asshole. I will claim that I'm busy or in a recording session so I don't have to talk to you. I will leave you on read for hours to keep you wondering about what I'm doing. I will make plans to visit you. But only because I want to see what's in between your legs and not what's between ya mind. Oh, I'll say I love you. But I will never really mean it… I mean.. You kinda put it on yourself to be with me... You knew I wasn't ready because baby, I'm still hurt. But I love you… I love you…

You robbed me of this idea that I could change a person… who knew that picking up apples from the bottom of trees wasn't always the best but it sure was the easiest. You treated me as if I was just a weekend getaway but it made me feel good because your touch felt warm on my thigh on a Saturday afternoon drive… I made you home but you never paid rent.

Dear Aiko,

I do a pretty good job in making you feel loved, don't I? Don't you understand that I'm still hurt by the pain of six months ago? I know you're there for me. I swear there are days where I really want you. But… But... I can't get my mind off of her. I love your affection for me. You always have an encouraging word to give…you're there for my music, my school life, my family, my… my… everything but I miss being in between her… I mean.. You've got to understand me, baby… a brotha hasn't had it in a long time and we live 3 hours away… I hope you don't find out about this soon. I'll deny it even if you do.

Four o'clock pm in a classroom filled with fourteen and fifteen-year-olds with mouths as wide as tooth combs my mom used to put my hair through could feel like a solitude area for crazy people… I convinced myself a long time ago that I wasn't crazy for you and I convinced myself that human beings didn't have the tendency to be crazy when they want someone to love them… but.. but.. we do. Who would have ever thought that the tears rolling like river tides down my cheeks and entering into my mouth like a gate flooded open and the taste of the saltiest of seas could make me feel bitter… coffee beans rung out to make your cup black… you tasted like darkness and I thought you could fill me…

Dear Aiko,

I want you to know how much I love you. Like truly love you. But it's hard for me to express to you how much you mean to me. Your brown hair, your brown skin, your laugh, your voice that I can listen to for hours on end and never get tired of how smooth it sounds. I want you to know that I am not ready. But it's hard for me to express that because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose myself. You saw the best in me when I didn't even see anything in myself. How could you love someone like me? I did you wrong and made mistakes that are deemed as unforgivable yet you're still with me? Why? Why were you driven by toxicity running you dry and how did it make you full? I will never understand the level in which you do love me and probably never will. I just wish you could see me. I'm not everything you want or even need yet.

Growth hurts. It scars. It wounds. It cuts. I want you to grow… without me.

Dear Aiko,

I want to tell you sorry… I just don't know how to. I miss you. A lot. You made me feel whole. I don't think I could ever get you back. Over the past two months of not speaking to you has made me realize, shit, pussy is everywhere… but a real girl… a real girl like you isn't. Fuck, I shouldn't have fucked it up with you. No one wasn't as understanding as you. Damn, it would have been our one year anniversary of knowing each other. You would have reminded me of it because that's just who you are… you always keep up with dates. I admired you for that. Man, I really messed up. I love you, Aiko. I hope we can one day reunite again. I don't know how to repay you for all the damage I did.

Healing feels like a wound that hurts every time you put ointment on it to make it feel better. I love you. My mouth hurts forming those words though. If only I knewthat our fingers interlocking while walking or when we kissed in the parking lot was the last time I will ever see you. If only I knew, that each time you brought up her was a sign of your recovering. If only I knew, that you were not okay and I shouldn't be worrying. If only you knew, how much I do, I do need youuuu, and oh if only you knew, how much I needed myself… I found myself in you. Scared and afraid to admit that I was hurting. Scared to present myself to you because I didn't want to be a burden. I tried my best to learn how to be the best version, a virgin, I never presented my body where you entered inside me and my legs wrapped around your waist. But you entered inside me in a way that leaves with a sweet aftertaste like apples. No one can replace what you did to me and I wish that he could see. Me. You