Hello America,

I was just enjoying the sunlight from my penthouse office when my representative called and said I should offer an apology unto the peasants literally and figuratively below me.

Some statements that I made recently at the Seaworld 2016 Seastravaganza have been met with criticism from literally everybody. But I stand by my statement and would like to clarify the intended meaning.

When I said that I, Joel Manby, am “the king of making girls wet,” what I meant was that I oversee many, many female sea creatures and they spend lots of time in the water.

What some people feel that I implied is that I have sexual relationships with my female employees. But that is not the case. One journalist even questioned whether or not I have placed my phallus into the cloaca of a shark, to which I reply: How would I even do that? Have you seen how sharp shark’s teeth are? Dolphins are much more privy to my male water gun.

At this point, I should remind you that I am not having sexual relations with any of the dolphins here at Seaworld. “Sure,” many journalists said, “But what about this footage of you sneaking into the Los Angeles Zoo and ejaculating into their prized dolphin?” I’ll admit to that one. But it’s a simple explanation! The zoo director, John R. Lewis, and I have a rivalry that goes way back. We started out as friends, smoking a few j’s in college, but soon we both found that our lust for wildlife was insatiable.

When I was promoted to CEO of Seaworld, John thought it would be hilarious to make it look like our dolphins’ naughty bits had been tampered with and then blame it on me. So to get back at him, I snuck into his zoo and humped the blubber out of his underwater exhibit.

You may think I just admitted to a crime, but I have a great reason for performing the acts that I do. I choose to not wear a condom when I have sex with dolphins because I firmly believe that if I inseminate one of them, a groundbreaking human-dolphin hybrid could be born. Imagine it; merging two of the world’s most intelligent creatures. There would be no way to stop a human with the capability to breathe underwater!

Finally, I’d like to announce my resignation from the position of CEO at Seaworld. It’s clear that their mission statement and mine are different and I see no way to continue being in business with them. I’d like to thank everyone that turned the other way while I was balls-deep in a blowhole; and also my wife, who was so committed to me that she tried a manatee-human three-way before ultimately deciding to divorce me and claim custody of our children.

For my final order of business, I’d like to let everyone at Seaworld know that Jill from Accounting is the person that keeps stealing food from the fridge.

With hearts and hands full,

Joel Manby

Note: This letter is satirical and was not actually written by Joel Manby.