For a long time I wondered what it was inside of me that held me back from complete happiness. What was is it that put me behind this glass wall where I saw everyone laughing and living in the moment while I looked on? Eventually, with the help of a few therapy sessions I found out that I suffer from anxiety(among other things). I wasn’t quite sure that I believed it because at the time I had the idea that anxiety was not being able to speak in front of a class or get on a plane to fly. How could I have anxiety when I am the one that is socializing at all of the parties and dreaming of performing on stage?
Being an extrovert with anxiety is a unique mix. It’s laying in bed crying because you can't find the right thing to wear, but eventually getting up and going. It’s getting to the party and despite asking yourself why you matter just 30 minutes prior, you’re now the reason that a room full of people are smiling. It’s texting someone four times in a row apologizing for coming off annoying in your first text. It’s constantly hearing “you’re fine!” when “I’m sorry” has escaped your mouth for the sixth time in five minutes or less. It is the same voices in your head that tell you to “make that joke” that also tell you “everyone you know wishes you’d leave them alone”.
The idea of living in the moment is something that seems so out of reach for me. I turn off my phone, but my mind is thinking about next week. I spend a night in and but then wonder if everyone else having fun without me. With anxiety, your brain will never turn off. It has no time to relax. For me, it’s too busy planning out the next 5, 10, 15 years of my life. It’s practicing that intense conversation that I’m too nervous to have with someone else. It’s too busy wondering if the person who loves you today will love you tomorrow or next week or next year. In being an extrovert, I personally am always needing validation that the people I know enjoy me. I need that laugh, I need that compliment. I need the ones I love to let me know they love me back. Why? Because if not, anxiety will convince you that they don’t care about you.
The biggest misconception is that anxiety is just “stressing” or “worrying” and that we can just move on from it. Especially with outgoing and typically “happy” people, others don’t realize the mental battle that some struggle with every day. You can wake up smiling, post funny videos to Snapchat and then find yourself crying on the shower floor because a friend read your message but didn’t answer back. “Am I too much? Am I too annoying? What is it about me that others don’t like?” These thoughts all start to form. A therapist once told me this is called the “snowball affect”. It's funny because as I look to my girlfriend who doesn’t suffer from anxiety I am captivated by how she can assess a problem and sit back. For me, when there is a problem I have to act right here, right now. If I feel something it HAS to be said right away. Allowing myself to sit back and let things unfold has always been an uncomfortable challenge for me. How can someone tackle a problem calmly and rationally? The idea of that alone is so crazy to me yet something I strive to be able to achieve every day.
Anxiety is a bully. It's a big shadow that inches its way into your mind whenever it pleases. There can be things that trigger it, but there are also times where it visits unannounced for no reason. When I feel anxiety coming on I try to breathe, I try to remind myself that everything is altered in that moment. Things will always seem worse than they truly are. That person is not mad at you, they are just busy and didn’t have time to talk. That paper is only 700 words not 7,000. Your mind becomes victim to over exaggerations and you start to believe what anxiety is telling you.
Although I am nowhere close to having control over my anxiety, what I do know is this: when having anxiety, you must be selfish at times. As an extrovert that constantly wants to please others, “Yes!” is often the answer to a lot of things. “Yes we can go out”, “Yes I will cover that shift for you” etc. We have to learn how to start putting ourselves first and say “No”. Our happiness is important too. We have to remind ourselves that we cannot always please everybody. We have to stop apologizing when we have nothing to be sorry about. We have to stop trying to keep relationships that overall may not be good for us. We have to be okay with staying in when it seems that everyone else is going out. In 2017 we must do all things with passion and love, including looking after ourselves.
