“You’re just shy, you’ll grow out of it”
“The world will change you enough, where you’ll have no choice but to speak up”
For as long as I can remember, those are the only words of advice I had received for my anxiety. No one in my family thought much of it when I was growing up in elementary or middle school because every child was shy, in their own way. I was led to believe that everyone felt the same way as me, and it was normal for children my age. Even my teachers told me that it was normal to not want to talk in front of a group of people and that I’ll grow out of it. Little did I know that it wasn’t that way at all.
I started noticing people in my grade feel comfortable talking in front of a classroom or be able to talk to complete strangers with no problem. My senior year of high school was when everything tied together, and even got worse at some points. I would skip classes because I knew that I had a presentation to do in front of a class of forty. I would be the shy one in my group of friends when new people came into our inner circle. I overthink every little situation and believe that people want the worst for me, when it is actually far from that. It was a part of me that I never understood. I just wanted to be like my friends and not feel that anxiety every moment of my life, but I just couldn’t be.
My parents started noticing my anxiety getting significantly worse, when I would start losing sleep over the smallest problems. The skin around my nails would be completely bitten down to the lowest point by the end of each day. I still cannot break that habit and the scary part of it all is that I don’t even feel it happening. I only notice it when I go to wash my hands and the water burns each one of my nails. Before each presentation, or anytime I had to speak in class, my heart felt like it was racing a thousand beats a minute. It had got to the point where the sound of my heartbeat was the only sound I could hear in an empty classroom when I was about to speak. My chest would turn bright red anytime I had to speak to someone that I hadn’t met before. Even talking on the phone, where I don’t see anyone in front of me, scares me in some situations. This wasn’t just shyness; this was completely anxiety.
I would start overthinking about everyone around me and how they would be better off without me. It takes so much out of me to text someone first because I don’t want to feel like I am bothering them or wasting their time in anyway. I have that constant fear of people leaving me and finding someone better because of what I feel. No one wants to hang around with a person that closes up over the smallest problems; everyone loves outgoing people. At first, I thought this was just my insecurities or low self-esteem, but I did more research and they were all symptoms of anxiety
When I first started feeling this way toward my boyfriend, he was completely in shock because he had never put another girl above me or showed any signs of leaving. It took me awhile before I could actually open up to him and tell him everything I was feeling inside, but when I did I felt such a weight off my shoulder. He doesn’t look at me weird when I turn bright red when other people try and talk to me, instead he’ll just steer the conversation towards himself or make a joke. He’ll know exactly what makes me anxious and avoids doing those activities for my sake. He understood that it wasn’t just me making an excuse for my actions, but a problem that I couldn’t overcome just yet.
One of my close friends in high school suffered the same situation as me, and even felt other people judge her because they thought it was just shyness. That has to be the worst part of it all; when people try and tell you that what you are feeling is completely normal. No one should have to feel that scared for a simple encounter with one person. My friend went to a doctor and the only advice she received from him is that she needed to just “calm down.” That was advice from a medical professional and we expected the people around us to understand what we feel like. Yes, there are so many more mental illnesses that are worse than what I experience, but a lot of them also are not taken into consideration as heavily as they should be. We are living in a world where having your voice heard is such a major part of our society, but what happens when you don’t want to raise your voice?
From a little girl, I have always dreamed about being a teacher and sharing the happiness I feel when I learn a new topic or read a good book. I would pretend to host classes in my basement, with just my brother in attendance, and loved the feeling of it all. Even though, it will take so much out of me to stand in front of a classroom of high school students, I don’t want to give up on my dream. People that are close to me have tried talking me out of going into that profession because of the anxiety I feel when I have to speak to a group of people, but I couldn’t do that. I don’t want to live the rest of my life working for a job that I haven’t dreamed about since a little girl. I’m not letting anxiety take over my life and I will mentally fight through any battle to make my dream come true.
You’re not winning, anxiety.
