The summer of going into ninth grade I used to have three "asthma attacks" every day at random moments. Little did I know they were actually anxiety attacks. This lasted for about four weeks, I think, and then I went to the hospital. We found out I was experiencing anxiety. Apart of me was so happy I found out what in the world was happening, but apart of me didn't know what anxiety was.

To backtrack, I was supposed to switch schools and move out of the home I have lived in for now twelve years. I was supposed to leave all of my friends and start over. I didn't really think it was a big deal mentally. Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard and change is always difficult. Change for me seems like the end of the world at first, but then it gets better. But I guess my body, and way in the back of my brain I was actually really scared, confused, lost, and I just wanted everything to stay the same. I never voiced that though, I just repressed somehow and said: "yay, I'm excited to move and start over." I wasn't really in touch with what I was really feeling.

After years of never having an episode, it all came back. Not going to lie, I'm upset that I am struggling with this and have been for three months. And recently it's moved to another level. Everything really has went from zero to a hundred real quick. As much as my life has played out, sadness made a way and came like a "hey how is it going!" And here I am having to yet again build up the broken pieces that come flooding.

Thinking I had everything under control until one day I had to face the fact that I don't have perfect control. And not having control makes me feel like I can't hold onto something that comforts me and makes me know I'm okay. All my life I never thought I would deal with something like this. I never thought anything would happen to me because I always wanted to make sure I could keep myself protected from everything. I did a good job for many years, but I guess my body and mind finally caught up with a lot of things.

As I type this out I want you to know that this is all happening for a reason. I guess writing this sentence out comforts me in the way I need. This anxiety should not define you. It shouldn't make you feel like you failed at protecting yourself. It shouldn't make you feel any more limited. It shouldn't make you feel like you lost yourself. It should tell you that you are experiencing a lot and that's okay. You are experiencing shedding of the old. You are finally in tune with the things you now have to work on. You are experiencing suffering and all those emotions that follow.

In this God's mercy is so present and it's where we learn humility. In the sadness, and in the anxiety it's where we learn that he is God and he is taking everything to show you how much he can pour into that empty bucket. He is showing you that the only person who can control everything is him. He is God. Once you learn to really say "I surrender...but only say the word and my soul shall be healed" and once you learn to trust and believe with that mustard seed-like faith that's when the click happens.

(And this right here is a note to myself, so I hope this sheds light onto you.)

To stop wanting control and beating around the bush when you tell him that you're ready. When in reality you're not, you're scared of all the stupidest things that can occur. You are afraid of losing yourself in the one thing that roots yourself and has so much more for you. You are afraid of losing what your mind has created you to be and trying to replace that with what the true divine heart has for you. You are afraid if you trust in the divine that somehow that will cause you to lose what you have built your own expectation as.

As St. Paul says "Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as refuse, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own, based on law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God depends on faith; that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his suffering, becoming like him in his death, that if possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead," (Philippians 3:8-11)

"For my power is made perfect in weakness." "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

So as for now find the silence, that afraidness, that feeling of what if's, that never-ending puzzle as a time of reaching out... but also telling yourself the truth no matter how hard the lies want to crawl in. No matter how much your mind wants to really make you feel that the worst is here and is upon you, just stop- breathe and please know this too shall pass.

Also from me to you: do not Google your symptoms, you'll go crazy.