When people see me, they don't think anxiety, only my close family and friends know about my anxiety and even they don't really know.
I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It started off as a simple fear of something sticking to me but then turned into a fear of blood which escalated into a fear of hospitals/doctors that is now anything and everything.
Something as simple as eye contact or something as extreme as a doctor's appointment can cause my anxiety to flair.
My anxiety can lead to several different things, passing out which is by far the worst (usually I smack the floor and stay unconscious for around 30 seconds) or it can be as mild as a simple anxiety attack.
I say simple but in reality, there is nothing simple about having to leave a restaurant in the middle of dinner or having to get up and walk out of a 200+ student lecture hall because you can't breathe.
I can't control what happens. I lose all control of my own body, this is a monster.
The monster takes over and I can't do anything to save myself.
This has to be the single most depressing thing I've ever had to deal with, to feel helpless to the point of not knowing what your body is going to do is terrible.
Explaining something you don't understand yourself is hard. I have never met another human that understands my anxiety, I don't ever expect to. All anxiety is bad and not all anxiety is the same, someone doesn't just have “good" anxiety.
There comes a time where you have to make a decision: do you let it completely take over? Do you let your anxiety dictate everything you do in life?
This is where I draw the line. I will not live my everyday life worried about my anxiety and I sure won't let my anxiety get in the way of the things I want in life.
Do not let your anxiety define you. You are in charge, it's your body. Every day is going to be a battle. It's hard, and some days you will want to give up, believe me.
But take this negativity and turn it into something positive. Learn from it, let it make you stronger. It can only define you if you let it. Don't give your anxiety that power.
Stop thinking something is terribly wrong with you and you're not normal, you have anxiety, it's something that you have to take control of and learn to live with.
It's terrible, but you can't keep convincing yourself that you're not normal, because you are.
Stop letting it define who you are as a person, you define it. You are better than the panic attacks in the middle of the night, you are stronger than that voice telling you to be afraid.
Be strong, that is the hardest thing to do but, in the end, it's all that will be able to get you through the darkness.
Everyone copes differently, but however you cope, make sure it's healthy. The more damage you bring to your body the worse the anxiety will get.
When I think of something living inside me, I think of Will from "Stranger Things" when he has part of the Demogorgon living inside him. Honestly, that wouldn't be as bad as what does lives inside me.
But I will conquer my inner demons and become better. I will not let anxiety define me, and neither should you.
