Its 3 a.m. and you're still awake, as always. You're thinking about nothing and everything, your heart is racing, you are lightly sweating, and you can't seem to make it stop. Your mind is spinning, your blood pulsing, your emotions taking over your body. You are not in control. No, you lost control hours ago, the second that your anxiety took over. You keep obsessing over every little mistake you have ever made, and all the possible mistakes that you might make. You think of all your failures, and the the people you have let down. You think of how you did something that made you truly happy, yet it hurt someone you cared about. Every time you try to do something right, you end up causing more wreckage. Your family doesn't trust you with responsibility and your friends don't understand. You spend hours talking nonstop, laughing and being the carefree person you are.
Then, it hits like a semi truck. All of the sudden, you stop laughing. You just get a feeling. You can't place what emotion it is, yet you know that your laughter is over. You know that you aren't you anymore. “It” is here and “it” isn't going away. You try to distract yourself, anything to replace the feelings of despair, desperation, loneliness, guilt, confusion, panic; anxiety. You know that if you don't get it in check, you will have an attack. You will start to cry, and you won't feel anything, and you will feel everything. The blackness takes over and you start to "ugly cry". You wont be able to control it, you just sit helplessly and beg it to leave you alone. You text a friend, call your family, do whatever it takes to not be alone. Because you know that if you're alone, you could get bad. You could do something that normal you would never do. Something stupid, something harmful, just to feel, something, anything, other than this absolute, overwhelming sense of grief, of dread, of self loathing. You hate yourself and you hate your existence. You curl up in a ball, and shake. You can't stop shaking, shivering, crying. Your speech gone, all you can repeat is whatever it is that is consuming your thoughts. You can't move past it. You aren't you anymore, and you can just chew a Twix and be more yourself.
Then, as fast as it came, it goes. You sit, absolutely still, not believing that it is finally over. You get up, wash your face, blow your nose, maybe take a cold shower, drink a glass of ice water. By now it is a routine, clean yourself so no one knows. No one can know that this happens to me, it is embarrassing, I should be ashamed, this makes me a freak. No. This does not make you a freak, it makes you a warrior. You lived through absolute despair, and you walk out of it like a boss. You still hurt on the inside, you still shake, and you are still a little out of it, but you did it. You made it through another of your endless battles in this war with your mind. And you will continue to win, because this life is beautiful, and so are you. You are not alone, no matter how it may feel at the time, and someone out their needs you. People are proud of you and you put a smile on countless peoples faces. You are a champ, and I'll be damned if anxiety wins this war. I am in control of me.
