Generalized Anxiety Disorder, we meet again.

You have been running rampant through my thoughts and mind since before I can remember. You were there before I even knew what you were. When I was little and I would panic when I did something wrong, I was thrown messages to “calm down” and “it wasn’t a big deal.” You were running through my neural pathways before I could even comprehend the idea of what I was living with. How could I? I was just a child, eight years old. I, and everyone around me, may have chalked it up to a “sensitive personality,” but you were there.

Fast forward a few years. You got worse. I remember being fifteen years old, my chest pounding, trying to rationalize what was happening. I was panicking. You were there, and you had only gotten stronger. You had grown from merely a mental pain to a physical pain: a tightening in my chest that made me feel as though my heart would explode. You came with no warning- anything could trigger you at any time. You would fire cannons at my soul, and I had no weapons, or no way to prepare. All I could do was try to fight you with my bare hands.

Time went by and I realized what you were. I got help, and learned to recognize your signs. I learned that if I tried to fight you, you would only get stronger. I couldn’t feed into you anymore- I just had to let you take hold, and recognize that fighting you was futile. You’re a part of me, a part that I will more than likely always be living with, but you’re not me.

I am not the three in the morning moments when I wake up with my thoughts running rampant and my chest tightening. I am not the medicine I take or the counseling I have attended on your behalf. I am not over-reactive or over-dramatic because of you. I am me- a young woman who is fearfully and wonderfully made who struggles with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I thank God for blessing me with this curse, because it has ruined me and built me into the woman I am today.

You’re the reason for so much of who I am today. You’re the reason I’ve built such compassion towards others. You’ve made me brave and a fighter. You have inspired me to want to help others who deal with your wrath. You are a huge reason I am working so hard to make it into nursing school and become a Psychiatric Nurse. Although you’ve made me feel more physical, emotional, and mental pain than I can write, you’ve abused me into a stronger, more powerful, and more confident woman.

I know you now. I know the ways you creep into my mind and set me off. I know your games, and you can’t trick me anymore. You no longer hold power over me. You may still be there. You may still haunt my mind and my thoughts at times, but you will never have power over me again. I am strong, beautiful, and incredible- and I owe it to you. Thank you.