Life is hard. Everyone goes through circumstances that bring them down and periods where life is not as enjoyable as it once was. It is different for the ones that battle with depression and anxiety, though. A huge chunk of their life is made up of days where they just lay in bed not motivated to do anything and nights with pillows soaked from wailing because you are so hurt. You become so numb with the feeling of constant worry or being on edge, it's like second nature. I want to get up close and personal with my struggle with these two mental illnesses.
Now, mental illnesses are no joke. It is a serious issue that many people deal with on a daily basis and consumes their life. There are people out there that have it way worse than I do and I can only imagine how hard it must be for them.
I haven't been depressed for long and I haven't tried to look out for any treatment. You may ask why. Well, it isn't that I think I am too good for medication or therapy because I am most certainly not. I just try so hard to be that strong person that everyone says I am and to me, I can't become that strong person with medication, it is a battle with myself. My mental strength is what I need to work on and that only comes from working on myself. You can argue that I am just making myself suffer more by doing that and I understand that. Fortunately, I have been able to climb out of that hole I dug for myself plenty of times. It is so mentally and physically exhausting recovering from it but in time it will be better. It is the little victories like getting out of bed or eating breakfast that make it worth it.
Also, I have always had a problem with my anxiety. School, relationships, family, friends, social events, it all gives me anxiety. Anxiety attacks were normal to me, but none of them were extreme. Not until last night at least. I get home from dropping my brother off back at his place from a night out, I was his DD. I get changed for bed and slip under my covers and I knew something just did not feel right. I began to feel heavy, heavy with guilt. My mind was going in all sorts of directions and I was overthinking about every aspect of my life. I feel so responsible for every bad thing in my life and I don't know what I did wrong. It is my fault that I do not understand Spanish enough to the point where I am not doing well in class. It is my fault that my last relationship did not work out because he fell out of love with me. It is my fault I let guys treat me like some piece of meat and I'm shocked when they do not want anything romantic from me. Every little thing is my fault. I cried until my face was raw from wiping away my tears so much and that throat was hurting from screaming into my pillow. I have never hated myself so much.
I have let these emotions take over my life and that is when I become unmotivated to the point where I do not want to work or go to class anymore. It is such a waste because I have an amazing heart of gold who loves to be around people and make sure they are taken care of before I even worry about myself. My creativity and intelligence have become lackluster and I just stopped trying.
A few weeks ago I even got a new tattoo that says "Beautiful Mind" as a reminder for my battle with these illnesses. No matter how dark it gets or how low I may be, I must not forget I have a beautiful mind and it is such a terrible thing to waste. Well, come to find out, no matter how much I tell myself that, I won't believe it when I am back in that hole I dug for myself. I just think I am an awful person who doesn't deserve the amazing things and people in my life. It is ironic because I have so many people who support me, more than I ever had, and now I feel at my lowest point. These are also people who struggle so they know where I am coming from and only want to see me back to the same person I was. If it were only that easy.
My life just feels like a constant wreck and that no one really benefits from me being around. I get the feeling that I don't make anyone happy or provide them with any enjoyment. I know it isn't true because I have multiple friends who love and adore me. I am just in a real bad place now.
Medication may be a really great option for me. I just have to work myself up to go to the doctor because I absolutely hate the doctor. Life will get better for me, it always does, I will look back and wonder why I would ever think that about myself. Until then, though, I just have to ride out the pain.