"What's wrong? Please talk to me. Please tell me. What did I do? What happened?"
So many questions that I have no answers for. "I don't know. Honestly, you didn't do anything. It's nothing you did, it's me. I fucked up again."
Sometimes it happens so quickly that I don't even know what brought it on. I was laughing 60 seconds ago.
It's 12:12am. I have to be bright eyed and bushy tailed at work in precisely 4 hours and 48 minutes.
How am I supposed to do anything, especially anything that requires bright eyes and a bushy tail, when I can't sleep? My body craves it and my eyes burn, but I can't stop thinking. I can't stop moving.
The muscles in my feet and arms feel so tightly wrenched together that I can't stop moving. Because if I stay still for too long they're eventually going to take over my entire body. I'm restless and I'm anxious and I can't. stop. moving.
It's now 12:16am and I am down to 4 hours and 44 minutes.
She's asleep. She was cuddling me and it was helping but I kept disrupting her sleep. I just couldn't stop moving.
My head hurts so bad from crying it could explode; I can't lay flat so I migrated alone to the lazy boy where I can prop myself up.
Why does anxiety make everything feel so much bigger.
My problems. My irritabilities.
My negative thoughts are drowning me. I'm uncomfortable and I'm tired. I just want to feel normal. Feel happy.
My head hurts and my throat is scratchy and tight and I just want to sleep. My teeth hurt from clenching my jaw and I can't breathe.
I want to feel happy and I want to be able to sleep in bed with her while she cuddles me. I don't want to feel anxious or restless anymore. I just want my brain to stop. Stop thinking. Stop planning. Stop wondering. Stop hoping. I just want it all to stop.
I want to do normal things, like help my girlfriend with her homework, without turning them into a disaster.
I want to know why I feel lost and what I'm going to find at the end of this dark lonely place.
How could I feel so lost when I'm so fortunate? What am I looking for? What am I supposed to find? How will I grow from this? No one has the answers. Not even me. I just want answers.
It's 12:28am and I have 4 hours and 32 minutes until I need to be at work.
I have to put on a smile and act like I'm happy. I do not feel happy. I feel sad and I am anxious.
My muscles are tight and my teeth are sore. My heart is racing because my migraine medication makes my chest feel tight and my body feel heavy.
It's 12:33am and with my remaining 4 hours and 27 minutes I am going to give everything I have to stop moving. To just sleep. But trying to sleep takes everything I have left to give tonight.
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