Each year brings with it a variety of new obstacles and changes, both good and bad. Along with those changes come opportunities for growth, development and continuing education of the individual. Fret not, college-aged readers, for this does not refer to academic learning. I am not suggesting that you should be perpetually shackled to your desk chair pumping out paper after paper, pouring over volumes of unfortunate size and shape, forever. What I am referring to is enlightenment. Merriam-Webster defines the word “enlightenment” as “the state of having knowledge or understanding.” For my purposes, I will expand that definition to include any instance of reflection, maturation, or self-discovery that leads to a change in the individual. That is to say, enlightenment is not only about having understanding, but how that understanding affects who you are.

For me, this year was full of enlightenment. I do not intend for that to sound pretentious, as if I am some wizened, old philosopher sitting atop a mountain, stroking my beard and basking in my superior ethics and morality. No, what I mean to say is that I have had many opportunities to take a step back and look at myself this year. There have been hiccups. Not everything has gone according to plan. However, a lot of great things have happened to me and in the grand scheme of things, I believe I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. I like to think that for better or worse, I’ve taken the good and the bad and tried to learn from all of it. And what I learned, more than anything, is that self-reflection can be a very humbling experience.

I began this year with a simple goal: to try and grow as a person, or at least, to find out more about myself. After all, I have lived on this earth for two decades now and I believed, as I still do, that in order to ensure that I make the most of my time here, that I should reflect on the person I had become. I still do not have a sufficient answer, as it turns out that something as complex as humanity is rather difficult to explore, and perhaps I do not possess the skills to analyze what kind of person I am—or what that means in psychological or philosophical terms. However, I am capable of the most rudimentary introspection and so I will confine myself to my understanding of the facts. At the beginning of the year, I had a full, bushy beard and unkempt hair. I liked to wear a leather cowboy hat I bought myself at a western-wear store and always wore the leather jacket my grandmother bought me in high school. As a student, I was focused on getting through the impending mountain of reading and homework at the start of classes. From the outset, I was thankful to have the opportunity to be in school and determined that I would do the best I could with all of my schoolwork. As an employee, I was feverishly trying to prove myself, devoting tremendous amounts of time to bettering myself in the eye of my employer.

I took a lot of that home with me. I worried about missing a class assignment or forgetting to read my textbook. I had trouble sleeping at night because I was busy thinking about all the things I had committed to do at work the next day. It was silly and looking back, it probably was not that dramatic, but at the time, I was stressed out. I was also unhappy with my weight. I had started to exercise the previous year but had taken a break to enjoy the holidays uninhibited by dietary considerations or workout plans. I was also lonely. Romantic pursuits had not turned out as I hoped they would and I spent the entire winter break around my family and their significant others. It was not always easy being reminded of what I seemed to be missing. It was awkward and I became increasingly self-conscious, to the point that I started to feel unhappy.

And so I came to arrive at my goal to grow as a person (or try to) which actually came with a list of smaller goals. First, I figured the easiest thing to do would be to resume exercise since my weight was the most immediate issue. I could learn to manage it and in so doing, I would also indirectly address some of the other “problems” I was having. I hesitate to call them “problems” because at no time was there anything so terrible in my life that I could not go home to my family and a roof over my head. I never had to struggle. That did not mean there was not room for positive change. In the long run, I ended up working out a lot more and it became more than just a way to lose weight. It became a lifestyle, something I plan on continuing to do in my life as we roll into 2016. I feel great and I am in the best shape of my adult life. Once I was more active, I had more energy. I channeled a lot of that into work.

Unfortunately, that is one area I am still working on. It is difficult for me to disengage and not let everything overlap. Work, school, and home—they all seem to run together. I try hard to be the best person I can be. That means working hard, making the most of school and helping others. I have a job where I am able to help people and I am thankful for it. I have a wonderful group of people I work with that I consider my second family. Because work has become such a large part of who I am at this point in my life, it is hard to let that go. So, instead of leaving work at work, which may just be impossible for me, I have tried to spend more time doing things I enjoy outside of work. Interestingly enough, working out has been a tremendous positive outlet for me. As I predicted, getting in shape did help with my stress and anxiety, giving me something else to focus on for a little while other than work or school. I also tried to spend more time with friends. I still do not get to see everyone as much as I would like, but I visit high school friends as much as possible and have developed friendships with a few classmates. I found that some of my best friends are actually my coworkers. This year, I grew closer with them, going line dancing and laser tagging. Stepping outside of my comfort zone has been tough, but it has also been rewarding and I have made many memories with friends and family this year.

But I was talking about enlightenment. Yes, enlightenment and how it can change an individual. Personally, I have forged new, strong friendships and grown closer with people I never considered, become happier with my fitness and more comfortable in my skin, and learned to value the good moments when they happen, because a bad one is probably right around the corner. It has definitely been a difficult year, not for any personal hardship but because of the overall state of things. I feel such negativity on a daily basis. Hell, I used to be a source of that negativity. But through my year’s journey I have been shown and had affirmed time and time again that people are resilient and persistently challenge one another to be better and that gives me hope. No, the people around me are not always happy, but I have seen firsthand what a difference a little compassion can make.

If someone asked me what I did this year, if I learned anything or if I met my resolution to grow as a person, I do not know that I would have an answer for them. Maybe that is not such a bad thing. For one, I am not sure whether I did anything of note, anything more than I was supposed to do or was expected of me. I certainly tried to meet my obligations and take every experience as an opportunity to learn. I suppose if I had to tell someone what I did this year, I would say that I listened, I pondered, and I spoke my truth. I became happy in the truest sense of the word. As for whether or not I met my goals, that raises another question. While I believe I have made strides as an individual, trying to consider other’s point of view, offering help whenever possible, and generally trying to be a kinder person; there is still a lot of work to be done. I can work even harder, continue to get in shape and learn about myself. If there is anything the past year has shown me it is that sometimes a little change is all you need, so I will keep changing. I will keep trying to grow because that is what enlightenment is. Understanding the world and your role in it is, I think, one of the most important things a person can work towards. It may bring success, it may bring failure, and there is no guarantee that diligence and determination will pay off. The only absolute is that hope makes the world a better place and if working hard, showing compassion, or even making a small change to the routine has even the smallest chance to give someone hope—that makes everything else worth it.