Check out chapter 1 right here!
“Hey Roy,” I say in my most chill voice ever, although it probably came out wavering. “I just have to make it through this class,” I tell myself as I get to work setting up the carbon dioxide sensor. As I moved on to setting up the severed piece of plant that we planned to test, I noticed that Roy was just sitting there staring at me.
“Yes?” I ask as he continues to stare.
“Just enjoying the view,” he replies.
Oh my gosh, what the hell is his problem? This is the first time we’ve talked in years and now he is already hitting on me! Okay, I tell myself as I start taking deep breaths in order to control myself. Who cares if the hottest guy in school is hitting on me? I certainly do not.
Before I can think of some snarky reply he adds on, “I mean look at Alexandra over there, she is hot.”
Wait, he wasn’t talking about me? I got all worked up over nothing? Feeling slightly disappointed, I reply, “Why don’t we just work on the lab instead of checking out every girl in the class?”.
“Oh, trust me, I am not checking you out, hun,” he replies.
I roll my eyes, “Sure, whatever,” though secretly his remark did sting.
As expected, the lab felt like getting all of my teeth pulled out, one at a time. First of all, Roy refused to do any of the work at all, which left me to do the WHOLE ENTIRE lab by myself, and trust me, it was not a fun lab. I bet you could guess who will be stuck doing the lab report, too. Yep, me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, at least I know that we will get a good grade if I do it all on my own, but still, he could at least try.
When Chemistry was finally over, I was left alone after class to clean up the mess that had been made. It was a nice time to relax, reflect on the day, and not worry about everything else. I don’t have a class next period, so I can take as long as I want.
Thinking back on everything that has happened, I almost want to cry. My thoughts just kind of blur together. Why does Roy not find me attractive? Am I really that ugly? Does anybody find me attractive, or am I just an eyesore? I mean I don’t put that much effort into how I look, but I would like to think that I look pretty.
My negative thoughts lead to worse thoughts, and those thoughts lead to even worse thoughts, and so on. Pretty soon, I am wondering if I am even worthy of existing. If nobody likes me, then why don't I just leave? Nobody would care if I left. I know you are probably thinking that this is stupid and I shouldn’t get this upset over one comment made by a high school boy, but that’s how depression works. It makes even the little things seem like a world ending situation.
My thoughts start to hurtle downhill and it is only looking worse. Nobody will ever care about me. Nobody has ever cared about me. I am just worthless.
I find myself clutching a scalpel that we had used to cut up the plants. As I grip the scalpel my fingers start to turn white. My mind is just swirling with thoughts of worthlessness and self-loathing. I hold the blade close to my wrist and begin to put slight pressure on it as I drag the blade swiftly across my wrist. The first few cuts are just deep enough to draw blood but then I start to go deeper and deeper. With each cut, I think about how worthless, ugly, stupid, and overall disposable I am. I can see the blood flowing out of my wrist and the world starts to get a little blurry. Then I hear the door open.
