I call it the coldest Christmas.. It was just like the years prior, except we weren't sincerely happy; our family was in a bad place and this Christmas was supposed to "fix" us and in a really backwards way, it did.. We used presents that year to mend relationships- three days after Christmas and a Mother daughter day at the mall, spending our Forever 21 gift cards, felt like things were finally good and normal and we were really happy.But that night when she left the house for what should've been only a few minutes, it turned into a lifetime.Sometimes a tragedy is just what a family needs to really know how to love again

Christmas used to be "the most wonderful time of year," the season is basically commercialized happiness and there used to be nothing better than that feeling. At least that's how it feels until you lose someone during the holiday season, and suddenly that childlike happiness becomes a thing of the past. They say time heals the wounds, but six years later and I feel like it's just become easier to fake the Christmas spirit. I do love Christmas, I'm not the Grinch- it's just a reminder of the darkest times and being celebratory is a difficult feat. Each holiday season is a fight to feel the Christmas cheer, and even when it is all I want to do, it is nearly impossible.

The only thing that makes it bearable, is remembering how much she loved Christmas. I decorate the tree, knowing my mom would have turned that into a party. I sing songs and drink hot chocolate, knowing she wouldn't want us mourning. I go to all the winter festivities, because my mom always loved a good photo op with her kids. I do it because it keeps me close to her, and there's still some happy in the sad. Family was most important to her, and always will be to me. Christmas is a time to be close and to show love and kindness- and because of the coldest Christmas, I've never wanted to experience that more.