Anorexia, You're Cancelled
Health and Wellness

Anorexia, You're Cancelled

A letter to my eating disorder that I now have full control of.

113
girl with thigh gap
Wikimedia Commons

Anorexia. Oh, anorexia. You thought you had me, but I came out on top. I always do.

"I'm not hungry." Once my favorite line to say. At first, I would just say it to say it. But after a while, even I started to believe it. How crazy is it to think that you were in my head, telling me I was overweight? How crazy is it to think that I was once 5'7", and weighed only 104 pounds? How crazy is it to think that you let me believe that any jeans over a size two were the end of the world? You took advantage of me when you knew that I was vulnerable. But at the end of the day, I will always be stronger than you, and this is a battle you will never win with me.

A thigh gap. Oh my goodness a thigh gap. Yes, you're reading this correctly. A gap in between your two thighs. My biggest obsession at one point. I was so infatuated with being small enough that there was a noticeable gap in between my two thighs. You let me think this was what was best for me. You let me think that I had to have this for people to find me attractive. You let me think that I would rather go days without eating, then let my thighs get within two inches of each other. Why'd you do that to me? Why are so many innocent girls and boys your victim?

Back and forth I went. From appointment to appointment. Constantly getting blood drawn. Constantly being referred to new doctors at new hospitals. At one point, I had to get six tubes of blood drawn at one time. I left the hospital physically weak from the lack of blood, and mentally weak from the pain you were putting me through. All because no one could figure out the reason for my rapid weight loss. Not even my parents knew what was going on. Shortly after tests kept coming back negative, doctors kept running out of responses, my mom caught on to you, anorexia. She knew that there was a problem, and it was you.

You let me believe that this was a battle I needed to fight alone. Completely alone. My parents didn't know. My friends didn't know. No one closest to me knew, and I suffered the consequences. Everyone saw a change in me, physically and mentally, but no one knew the definite reason. People had formed their assumptions, and I even sometimes got asked or questioned about it. Deny, deny, deny, was always my go to. Until I couldn't take it any longer. Until I broke down and admitted to my friends. The support that I got from them was overwhelming. Greater than any support you ever gave me. It was then that I realized I needed to bounce back, and show you that you weren't going to take advantage of me any longer.

I love a good challenge. I quickly realized that the key to beating you was much more simple than I thought. All I had to do was challenge myself. My friends and I would go out to eat at all of our favorite local restaurants. Except for this time, I didn't order one taco that I would take a bite of and be done. I didn't order a cup of cottage cheese, and consider that a meal. This time, I ordered a full meal, and I would challenge myself to eat ALL of it. I was constantly asking my friends to place bets with me on how much they thought I couldn't finish all of my food. They always agreed, putting $5 on the line, even though they knew that I could do it. Every time I took that last bite, I was so proud of myself, and they were so proud of me too. I loved seeing the look on their face that said, "Wow I didn't know she could eat that much." The feeling that I got after finishing a meal was so empowering, it was truly life changing.

So, anorexia. I can now say that I have put back on twenty-five pounds. I eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I embrace the meat that I have around my bones. Oh, and that thigh gap. That stupid, stupid thigh gap. She's long gone, and I have no plans for seeing her again.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less

We have all been there. Mindlessly scrolling through social media and then we see that post. We see someone we once saw a future with creating it with someone else. However this time it was really different. A lot of times when we say we are happy for someone we don't really mean it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Samuel Branch on Unsplash

Affirmations affirm beliefs that we are in need of strengthening. They help up to focus on goals that we are striving for or on a powerful part of ourselves that we need a little reminder is within us.

They specifically focus on positive outcomes or belief systems that we're working to solidify, rather than solely focusing action on eradicating something "bad" or "wrong" from your life.

Keep Reading... Show less

About a year ago, I began my own fitness journey. Growing up, I had played soccer and kept busy, but after an injury cut my soccer career short I suddenly became very inactive. It took years of misfires before I finally found a new active passion for weight lifting. Getting started is never easy, and setting up for success is the best plan of action to assist anyone in your life who is thinking about starting their own journey. These are a few items you can gift for the fitness rookie in your life:

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Nordstrom's Biggest Sale Has The Most Legendary Deals On Luxury Beauty Brands We've Ever Seen

Counting down the days to the Chanel box set gracing my front door.

I oftentimes (excessively) use the excuse of my job as a writer to justify my excessive spending habits.

I needed the new Huda Beauty palette before anyone else in the name of journalistic integrity. It was my job to test out the new Francis Kurkdjian fragrance to make sure I could tell people whether or not it was truly worth the splurge (it was).

Keep Reading... Show less

Some people are so good at downplaying their sadness that even they don't realize how much they do it. When you ask them how they are they will always say that they are good, even when they aren't. They exhaust themselves by plastering an energetic and carefree persona in the spaces that you watch them in because at least to you they can control how they appear. They can pretend to be the happy person they want to be when everyone is telling them how funny and bubbly they are all the time.

Keep Reading... Show less

Mental health is not an easy endeavor. It's not a fad. It's not a bandwagon that you can hop on and off of whenever you want to. Your yearly dose of sadness is not depression. I'm not here to define what depression — or anxiety, or any other type of mental health issue looks like — but I will tell you what it's not.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Sonnie Hiles on Unsplash

Whether it's dealing with a global pandemic or getting fired from your job, the fear of not knowing can become consuming if it isn't controlled. Below are some easy ways to take back control and establish a peace of mind.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

My South Asian Roots Inspire My Future Career As Both A Scientist And Journalist — Here's How

Being born to culturally diverse parents, I feel like I have the best of both worlds!

Erikka Chowdhury

To all of those who don't know me, I'm an American girl with South Asian parents who have carved their own niche as immigrants in the USA.

Keep Reading... Show less

The beaches are starting to open up. At least in Cape Cod, where my family and I were able to vacation this week. Near our house, we have a bit of a private beach, which is great.

Keep Reading... Show less

I sometimes look back at the days when I had anorexia and think to myself what would have happened if I had taken another bite? Nowadays, I spend days dreading over my figure and wondering if the old sundresses and outfits even fit. I tell myself that they do, but I feel like reality holds a different truth.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments