And We just Wanted To Grow Up

And We just Wanted To Grow Up

You are worth it.
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Soda becomes vodka. Bikes turn into cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when the tallest place in the world was on your dad’s shoulders? When your mom was your hero? When getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant strapping on a helmet? When the worst thing boys could give girls were cooties? Your worst enemies used to be your siblings. Heartbreak was when you got your toys taken away for not finishing your vegetables. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a board game. When you didn’t care how you looked on your way to school and your momma picked out your outfits. The only drug you took was cough medicine. Your butterflies came from your crush. Back when wearing a skirt didn’t label you a slut. When the most pain you felt was skinning your knee. When goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.

When you were young.

But we just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Growing up is not all it is cracked up to be.

We think that it will mean independence, love, happiness, but at what cost? We are so blinded by this concept to figure things out on our own that we forget to breathe. And in this great big process of trying to grow up and become independent, we forget to take care of ourselves. We avoid our issues. Health becomes a foreign concept, happiness comes in and out of its cave, and people do not want to admit they are not okay.

It is okay, to not be okay.

It is okay to ask for help.

It is okay to not know why you are the way you are.

It is such a destructive feeling which overpowers you and you just cannot control.

Girls blame hormones, boys blame the world, parents blame the people their kids associate with.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hate ourselves and try to change who we are? Why do we go through these crazy up’s and down’s in life where we lose control of what our purpose is?

We all go through those phases where we look back and think about how much we have changed. The life experiences we go through will in a way force you to change no matter how much you rebel and avoid the inevitable. We are in a generation, overpopulated, overanalyzed, overwhelmed with all its options, yet we are so underloved, underappreciated, and alone. We cry out for help and feel like no one can hear us, like really hear us.

There are days where we just want to be left alone and days where we want everyone to fly to our rescue and tell us what to do, as we proceed to avoid their “words of wisdom”. Nobody has all the answers. I always thought my dad was the smartest man I know, and to this day I adore him, but while I say that, I never really understood his inner conflicts until I opened my eyes and my heart.

You see we are very alike in the sense that I always try to be one step ahead, one step stronger and faster.

We both like to take control and enjoy being in charge. We both understand the realistic side of life where money can’t buy happiness, but the only way to find happiness is to have a stable income. To be able to provide for those around us and know they are taken care of. He worked like a slob throughout my childhood, and I always wondered why doesn’t he just take a break, why doesn’t he stop working we have enough? Then I found myself realizing I was doing the same thing to myself and asking myself why. The answer is that we never have enough… and this isn’t just regarding possessions, it is regarding our internal struggles.

People like me will tend to focus on everything else so that they can avoid their own battles. I personally have the maternal instinct of my mom, where I try to take care of everyone else’s problems, everyone else’s drama. I make sure others are ready for whatever lies ahead and always stand in the back saying if you fall I will catch you, if you burn I will protect you, if you need me, I will be there. And that is my curse. I created this version of myself where I neglect my self-worth and my mental health by protecting everyone else where I am falling, burning, and losing my need to be happy. I don’t regret it, believe me I am happy to help others, but as I got the motherly advice from a one Jodie Brownd, “If you can’t take care of yourself, you have absolutely no business taking care of anyone else.” She was absolutely correct.

It breaks my heart seeing people in distress, people feeling worthless and neglected.

People always asked me why I have such a broad variety of types of friends, and my answer is always, everyone is going through something and everyone needs someone to believe in them. I strongly believe in overcoming obstacles and taking control of your life, of your choices, of your future, and in the power of prayer. I believe that there will always be a better tomorrow if we take charge of our attitude today. I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and say “today will be a great day”. No matter my mood, no matter what happened yesterday. I could be bawling my eyes out like a baby and still will find myself saying “today will be a great day” because if you say it, and truly mean it, the universe will follow through and bring your positive mindset to meet a positive energy which will make it impossible to stop you.

Everything happens for a reason and the battles we face will determine how much stronger we will come out after.

You are powerful, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are capable, you can do anything. There is no limit when you truly and deeply want something as long as you possess three ideal qualities and exemplify them on a daily basis. Honesty, love, and appreciation. You cut out the toxic people who pull you down, you radiate a glow of achieving the impossible, you stop making excuses, you love yourself and you just do it. With every pulse in your heart, with every breathe in your lungs, with every stubborn mentality you have gained. You do it. And I promise, it will get better, and you will always be worth it.

Cover Image Credit: Nico Ray

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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To The Girl Who Hasn't Yet Found Herself, Keep Looking

You will eventually find her in all the right places, I promise.

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They say you are supposed to go through your awkward transition phase during middle school, but you still feel like you haven't quite figured it out. They say you are supposed to join a club in order to "find yourself", but then you end up sitting in the back watching everyone laugh and catch up. You feel out of place--like you're existing somewhere you just don't belong. Let me be the voice telling you that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Every decision you've ever made has led you to this place. This is, of course, much harder to grasp than to just say. Really though, you're doing just fine!

Finding out the things you don't like to do are just important as discovering your passions when it comes to finding your true self. Don't be afraid to join that club, talk to the girl next to you in class, and explore your interests. You might hate it. You might want to run away, but at least you're learning about yourself and where your comfort zone lies. Finding yourself is a life long process, so don't expect an Aha! moment where you have finally hit your destination. Think of it more as a sense of confidence of comfortability in who you are and what you stand for.

Stepping away from friends and family for some time may also lead you to who you are. Often, we grow up and mature only to have the same beliefs, morals, and political opinions as our parents. It's not our fault and we aren't childish, we just trust our parent's judgment and see their conscience as nothing but truth. Part of gaining independence is questioning your own biased beliefs and reevaluating them so they reflect your character better. Same goes with friends. Try to spend a Friday night in with yourself. See what you do. Do you watch a movie? Do you catch up on homework? Do you paint your nails? What is it that makes you feel happy when nobody else is around? By considering the answer to this question, you're one step closer to figuring this whole life thing out.

You may also want to try stepping away from your phone. Your social media (this shouldn't come as a surprise) is giving you the false idea that everyone around you knows exactly what they're doing and enjoys doing it all. Not true. So not true actually, everyone else is struggling to find out just who they are. You and your phone need some distance.

Finding yourself doesn't just happen. You need to explore the world around you and you'll eventually find out where your place is. Be patient with the process and know the right steps will surface when you're ready to take them. Be kind to yourself and have the bravery to discover the girl inside you (I hear she's really cool).

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