An estimated 11 percent of children are diagnosed with ADHD, with the percentage of boys diagnosed being significantly higher than girls. An additional 4 percent of individuals are diagnosed in adulthood. While some would argue that ADHD is over-diagnosed, a case can also be made for under-diagnosis, particularly in women. When I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 32, it came as a surprise. But my diagnosis shed light on every question that surrounded me and enabled me to live the life I thought I’d never have.
Often, ADHD may be detected early on by someone in the sufferer’s life, such as a teacher or parent. However, it can mimic the symptoms of many other illnesses, and it presents in different ways depending on the individual. This is especially true for women, which by nature might be more likely to internalize their symptoms. The behavioral or academic struggles may also be misinterpreted as character traits rather than signs of disease.
Then there are the invisible symptoms: shame, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem may develop as a result of the impact ADHD has on the sufferer’s life. With pressure mounting to perform well at school or work, reaching out for help may be discouraged.
My symptoms began when I was younger, but it took some time for me to become completely overwhelmed by them. I figured all of the half-finished writing projects and tasks, forgetfulness, struggles with attention span and chronic organization issues in spite of valiant efforts to pull myself together were character defects instead of symptoms.
As an adult, I struggled to stay afloat in virtually every aspect of my life. I rarely finished what I started and struggled with distraction coupled with bouts of intense hyperfocus. I often faked my way through conversations because I had trouble maintaining focus but was too embarrassed to ask the other person to repeat themselves again. It was a battle to accomplish normal tasks. These symptoms did not always impact grades or performance because I pushed myself (often to my own detriment) which made it all the more difficult to catch. Holding it all in brewed a melting pot of anxiety and negative thinking that ran constantly through my head.
As hard as it was living this way, it took years for me to question my experiences and seek help. I struggled to come to terms with everything and get to the point where I could address it. I thought that if I tried hard enough I could fix everything, but no amount of willpower could resolve my issues. I felt like a failure and thought I would have to live this way forever.
When I finally found the courage to mention my symptoms to my doctor, I did not know what I was in for. ADHD is often comorbid with other illnesses, such as anxiety and mood disorders. This was true in my case, which complicated the process of unearthing ADHD and resulted in a long, thorough examination of symptoms that took nearly a year to sort out. This is also a good thing, in that I have assurance that my diagnoses are accurate since much time and care was put into untangling the mess of my life, but it is equally frustrating to comb through years of chaos.
When I started therapy and medication, my life began to change in powerful ways. The much-desired stimulants, which have a soiled reputation due to abuse and potential side effects, were a revolutionary resource. For those that truly need them, stimulants are not about chasing a high or inflated performance. Medication means functioning and feeling more like a normal person. While it is not a cure, medication can be a very beneficial tool in treatment.
Since my diagnosis, I have progressed in my personal and professional life in ways I didn’t think possible. ADHD is still something I wake up with each day, but it is no longer a secret holding me captive.
To suffer from ADHD is much more complex and difficult than many realize. It took me longer to receive a diagnosis, but now that I have answers I can finally understand and start to let go of the past while gaining a better future. Perhaps with growing knowledge of the diversity of how symptoms can manifest, those that are struggling without answers can find peace.
The weight of the unknown, of fear and judgement and stigma can be heavy. But the effects of silence can be life hindering. Reaching out when you are struggling is vital. A diagnosis does not define you, but knowing the truth can be liberating.
