“Don’t mask it. Everyone masks it. Feel it. And if feeling your heart break feels unbearable then you’re doing it right.” -- Leo Christopher
Healing, whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, is something we will have to face at some point in our lives. We will have to encounter the painful process of accepting that we are broken and need to mend the wounds of our past. Healing is challenging -- it requires us to be vulnerable and step back into a place that we have tried so hard to suppress. It is difficult and scary, but when you hit rock bottom, healing is the only option you have to survive.
For most of my teenage years, every painful experience was suppressed. I became so used to being hurt, living with a broken heart, that I trained myself to forget the reality of my pain. I walked around for six years with a mask, pretending I was OK and nothing could break me, but eventually it did break me. All the lies, the broken promises, self-hate, and unhealthy coping mechanisms caught up to me. My false persona was shattered and bleeding through the cracks; my brokenness was revealed. I didn’t want to acknowledge the place I was in. I wanted to keep pretending I wasn’t broken. I didn’t want to heal because I didn’t want to accept that I was, that I am, a complete mess. But I am tired, tired of “being OK” and “having everything together,” because the reality that I find myself in is the complete opposite.
We will all become broken and we will all have to make a decision of how we will deal with the pain. You can sit there and wallow in self-pity, destroying yourself more, or you can take a leap of faith and try to let go. Give yourself the love you deserve; stop saying you aren’t worth more than your past, circumstances, or abilities. You can’t run away forever, because it all will catch up to you. When we hold on to whatever got us to the point of complete brokenness, it is only hurting ourselves, no one else. When we believe in the lies people tell us about ourselves, our distorted view becomes permanent and we lose the ability to give ourselves completely to others. Holding on isn’t helping you; it is only making you more miserable. Hating yourself is robbing you of the potential happiness you could have if you just stopped telling yourself you aren’t good enough.
So, choose to heal. It won’t be an easy process. It will take weeks, months, or even years to wake up and feel completely whole again. I am not there yet -- I am not even close -- but I have allowed myself to try to put the broken pieces back together in whatever way they can be glued. I have accepted where and who I am. My life is growing short and I am tired of wasting it on being hurt, holding on to the "what ifs," and wasting my 11:11 wishes on shallow and manipulative people. Let go, let go of it all, and give yourself the peace you desperately need. Lie in bed all day binging on Netflix and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Randomly go buy a fish, take it to another state, and drive through the mountains just to get pulled over for going 92 in a 65. Go hiking and then eat authentic Mexican food on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Take a nightly drive and just cry blaring Justin Bieber and slurping down a Sonic slushy. Go to counseling, talk to your best friend, or just simply read your Bible and talk to Jesus. In whatever way you need to heal, do it. No matter how weird, irrational, or stupid it may be, do what makes your heart happy. Don’t be afraid to break down from tears or even laughter. Don’t be afraid to feel, to allow yourself to sit in your brokenness. It isn’t going to be easy, this journey of healing, but it will be worthwhile. So take the risk and heal at your own timing, your own pace, and in your own way.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -- Psalm 147:3
