Dear Past Me,

It's funny how the world works, you enroll in a new middle school in the seventh grade, go to all of your classes confused as ever. Then you get to your Family Consumer Science class and get seated to someone who would be known as your best friend. How you met was a weird experience and is confusing to others when you share it. You start texting each other back and forth fall in love with Justin Bieber and eventually have that first sleepover you've been planning for weeks. Mental illness and heartbreak are light years away, something you never thought would become important to be educated on. You were young, filled with excitement, joyous that this girl was going to be the best friend you ever had, the first best friend you will ever have.

The years start to pass, you both get older, you might have to move away. You are upset that moving to another school district than your best friend is the last thing you want in life at this point. Thankfully you find a home that's in the same area and, you can finally go to high school with your best friend. Things were great until mental illness started playing around with your mind. You became depressed and sad all of the time, and not only that so was she. She was hurting she was struggling. Being at home for her was a place she didn't want to be. You tried to understand but you, yourself were struggling, and in the end, you couldn't go to her for help. She got a boyfriend and ignored you. Another boyfriend, another year in high school you're still struggling and she continues to ignore you, and you become the third wheel as if it were your middle name. Things just become painful and you feel completely alone, but in your mind you know she still cares and loves you.

Your first year of college comes to an end you're excited to see your best friend you haven't seen in months. Things aren't going well at home, and she moves in with you. She brought all of her stuff to work that day and decided she was going to live with you. That day you get a tattoo of her astrology sign close to your wrist as a sign that she would be with you forever. You thought that living with your best friend wasn't a bad idea. Sleepovers forever am I, right?

You begin drum core, and it's the most important year of your life, it's the most emotional show you've ever done. Things happen for a reason, and you have to quit, you dislocated your knee. Things between you and your best friend start to get bad, you don't want to admit it, but it's getting toxic you need to get out now. She's admitted to the hospital, but you don't get any type of call or warning before she goes, but she tells another friend instead of you. She doesn't get to say goodbye when you leave for your second year of college. You worry about her more and more that it makes you stomach hurt. You're only hurting yourself by staying. You take time out of your day to educate yourself on different types of mental illness so that you can help her more. You have reached your limit you can't help her anymore, and she's taking advantage of your home. You seriously need to get out.

The school year passes it's finals week, and you're sick to your stomach, you cry yourself to sleep every night worrying about her. Your grades are falling you need to pass these exams, and luckily you do. You get home for winter break your mom tells you everything that has happened you don't even get to sleep in your own room. Things start to fall apart, drugs start to play a part more mental illness, everything is like a toxic wasteland around you. You start to realize it's time to come clean and express how you feel, then she moves out. Feelings of not caring, hatred and nasty things start to play around in your head. You finally are free.

You don't hate her, you cared for her more than you ever could, and your heart is hurting. Your heart needs a break, let it rest. Sure you can be sad about this for a while, and your heart aches. You're lost, you feel so insecure you feel that you'll never be worth it to someone. Again you feel all alone. You can't trust anybody anymore because you're so broken down. You know that you will always love her and be there, but she needs time to grow up. She needs time to know who she really wants to be, she told you she didn't want to be around. None of this is your fault, and it never will be. You needed to get rid of the toxicity in your life, you're done hurting the worst is over. It is okay to be heartbroken and disappointed, but you can truly be your authentic self and grow stronger each day that passes. Just remember that I love you and you need to learn to love yourself too because your heart is bigger than you could ever imagine. You are the Girl Almighty.

Love,

Future You